Voices
by imaginingdragons
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING. Elphaba just wants to finally make good - by ending it all. Shiz-era, Gelphie friendship. Tied for 2nd place in Best Angst at the 2016 Greg Awards.
1. Gone

_Worthless._

 _Mistake._

 _Freak._

 _Witch._

Elphaba tossed and turned, trying fitfully to sleep, to drown out the voices in her head long enough to allow her to rest, but to no success.

 _"Y_ _ou will never be loved!"_ they cried, echoing in her mind. _"_ _You're unwanted! Hated! A monster!"_

Elphaba whimpered, clutching the blanket tightly to her, her heart pounding and head throbbing. "Please," she whispered. "please leave me alone!"

Her father's sneering, twisted face swam upward in her mind's eye. "I am _ashamed_ of you," he hissed. His voice seemed so real, the wounds from the memories of similar comments he had made all too fresh. "What did I ever do to deserve a monstrosity such as you? You're a disgrace to me, to the whole world. Please, do me and everyone else a favor and go _kill_ yourself, will you? If you need anything to help you do it, ropes, blades, or if you want me to pull the trigger myself, it would be my genuine pleasure!"

A tear tumbled down Elphaba's nose as she hugged herself, clenching the twisted blanket into fists and pressing her face into the pillow as she fought the tears, the memories, the stinging words, and the temptation. The temptation to do what her father had suggested to her long ago. To carry out completely what she had attempted time and time before.

She lifted her eyes out of the damp pillowcase and looked at her hands, her breathing hard and uneven. She could do it. She did not doubt that she could do it, right now if she wanted to. Glancing upward, her eyes fell on the door to the small kitchenette of the private suite, home of various beautifully morbid objects.

Her heart rate accelerated as she stared at the door, all the voices in her head urging her to get up. Untangle herself from the sheets. Take those steps forward and reach for the knife, rope, gun, pills. Whatever it takes to gain rest.

 _It would only hurt for a little while,_ the voices cooed in an eerie mental harmony. _Just seconds of your time, and then it would all be over. You would be at peace. Final, everlasting peace._

Her breathing began to slow as she subconsciously started pushing herself to a sitting position, her hands shaking. There was no one to stop her this time, no one to see her, nothing holding her back. Nessa was on the other side of the building. Galinda was asleep.

At the thought of her friend, Elphaba glanced sideways. The blonde was lying on her side, facing away from Elphaba, her dainty shoulders rising and falling gently. Elphaba paused. To her surprise, she had grown close to the popular girl, and vice versa - what would her suicide do to Galinda?

 _That doesn't matter!_ the voices screamed, sensing her hesitation. _She will get over you. She has so many friends, and she has Fiyero, who will never love you because there is nothing to love! She doesn't need you, and neither does he. Neither does anyone. You deserve to die, and she - everyone - would be better off without you!_

Elphaba felt a sob growing in her chest, and she quickly brought a hand up to her mouth to stifle it, her whole body shaking now. Tears began to overflow, trailing silently down her face and she gave a shuddering gasp. "I can't do this," she choked on her words. "I can't live like this anymore."

 _That's right,_ said the voices coldly. _You can't, and you shouldn't. It would be good for you to die. You were born to die, for you are nothing more than a curse, a poison. You should've done this long ago. Now go. Up. Do it quickly._

Elphaba pushed herself out of bed, her heart pounding, eyes riveted on the kitchenette's door, her vision blurred by tears.

 _That's it,_ urged the voices. _It's only a couple steps, and you're there. It's only a slice, a swallow, a jump, and then it's all over._

Elphaba took a shaky step forward.

 _You'll be gone._

Another step.

 _You won't have to face another day._

Step.

 _You won't have to be in pain any longer._

Step.

 _You will finally have done something good for this world._

Her hand was on the door, and she twisted the knob, the door opening with a seemingly thunderous creak. Elphaba glanced quickly at her roommate. Galinda's breathing picked up for a fraction of a second, and she seemed to pause; then after what felt like forever, she adjusted her position and her breathing went back to normal.

Elphaba's hand was sweaty on the doorknob, and her heart ached as she looked at her friend. She wished she could go to Galinda - hug her, hold her one last time, tell her how much her friendship had meant to Elphaba, say goodbye.

 _But it's too late for that now,_ the voices sneered. _And it's not like she would actually read a note if you wrote one. She'd probably be so happy that she's rid of you that she'd throw it away. Oh, how sweet, you think she actually loved you? You should have learned your lesson by now! No one loves you! She was just pretending! Everything she's ever done for you was just some sick joke!_

Elphaba's shoulders shook as the tiniest of sobs broke through her barricade and she shut her eyes tightly.

 _Who cares about you? Who cares about anything you do? They will cheer at your death! They will sing! They will celebrate! No one mourns the wicked!_

Taking quick, wobbling breaths, she turned her back on Galinda and faced the kitchenette, menacing in the darkness. Faced the glint of the knives on a shelf. Faced the end, the end of a beautifully tragic life.

With one trembling green hand, she reached for them, grasping one tightly with her fingers and pulling it from its stand. The handle felt comfortable in her grip, embracing her hand like the old friend that it was.

 _There you go,_ the voices echoed. _Your wrist, Elphaba Thropp. Hold out your wrist._

Her soft crying became audible now as her mask of strength and indifference began to crumble, but her resolve remained. The familiar numbness was creeping over her heart, turning it to stone as she held out her wrist, the very faint, darker green scars of years past a reminder of her hatred for herself. Some were fresher than others, some had almost faded away. There were twenty-two of them. On this arm at least. Forty-seven, if you included the other arm. She knew. She had counted.

 _Forty-seven of the many reasons to die,_ the voices crooned.

The knife shook in her hand as she rested her wrist on the counter and held the blade overtop, a strange sense of calm overtaking her. This was it. This was the moment. She would never ever have to feel the hatred from herself and others ever again. She could sleep. She could rest. No more pain. No more pain.

The blade was inches from her wrist now. Elphaba's whole body felt electrified, like power and intensity were surging within her.

Three inches.

Two inches.

One inch.

Elphaba winced as the tip dug into her skin, but in a twisted way, she enjoyed it. It was a release. A way she could finally feel again. A gateway, a gateway to peace.

She dug deeper. Droplets of blood began to ooze out of her self-inflicted wound. A grin slowly pushed her lips apart and she oddly felt like laughing, despite the tears rolling down her face. She was going to die. She was finally going to be happy.

 _Yes, yes, yes,_ the voices cheered her on, _keep going, harder, faster, deeper, till you have no life left -_

She obeyed, blood making rivers down her wrist and dripping onto the counter. Drawing back slightly, she prepared for the fatal slice, the last and deepest cut she would ever make, the one that would end it all, that would make good for everyone -

"Elphie?"

Elphaba jumped, her sudden movement lifting the knife upward and yanking it sideways, forming a jagged cut across her wrist. Whether it was deep enough to kill, Elphaba wasn't sure, but it definitely felt like it was, blood spurting from it and spattering the counter. With a gasp of surprise, Elphaba twisted so her back was facing the door, hiding the blood, the knife, the cut. She quickly glanced over her shoulder, trying to keep her voice steady. "Galinda, go back to bed."

Galinda took a step forward, putting one hand on the doorframe, her face filled with concern. "Elphaba? Is something wrong? I could've sworn I heard crying."

Elphaba shook her head. "No, nothing's wrong." She clutched the knife and her bleeding wrist tighter to her, trying frantically to return her voice to normal. "I'm fine."

The blonde crossed her arms, taking another step forward. "Then why are you in the kitchenette at three in the morning?"

"I was just hungry, okay!" Elphaba's voice grew louder, anger lacing her words. She silently willed Galinda to go. Leave her alone. Let her finish what she had begun. She didn't want to be stopped again.

Galinda blinked and stepped back slightly, hurt by Elphaba's tone. "Elphie, please," she whispered. "I'm just worried about you. You've been acting strangely lately."

Elphaba sighed, straightening, ignoring her throbbing wrist and the dizziness that was beginning to come from the loss of blood. She turned slightly so as to see her, though still attempting to hide everything. "Thank you," she said slowly, trying to make her voice gentler, "but I'm fine. Please, go back to bed, I don't want to keep you up."

Galinda looked at her for a long moment. "It's all right," she said with a sigh. "I'm already awake. I'll stay up with you."

Panic clawed at Elphaba's throat. "Galinda, no! Please, go back to bed!" her voice rose again. "There's … something I have to do. It's very important, and I … I can't let you see it."

Galinda pursed her lips, suspicious. "Why not?" she looked Elphaba over up and down. "What are you hiding from me?"

Elphaba's fingers were growing slippery from sweat and blood, and she could feel the knife slipping from her grasp. Her eyes widened in panic and she turned away quickly. "Nothing, I'm hiding nothing …"

Worry was starting to cover Galinda's face now. "You're lying to me," she said, eyes narrowing, walking quickly towards her. "What's going on? What –-" As she walked, she came in view of the counter, and her eyes grew wide when she saw the blood. "Elphaba?!"

"Nothing is going on!" Elphaba cried, the room beginning to spin. "Everything is … is …" She gripped the knife tightly and tried to walk, her back to Galinda, desperately trying to get away, but she stumbled. Her eyes widened as she fell towards the wall, and all she could think about was the knife in her fist, and its blade plunging into her torso as her only friend watched -

Tripping over her feet, she twisted and her back hit the wall with a thud, the knife clattering to the floor and she gasped, shutting her eyes tightly, knowing full well she was now facing Galinda entirely, and she did not want to see her expression.

There was a moment of horrified silence, then she heard Galinda whisper, pain and terror in her voice. "Elphie?"

Elphaba opened her eyes slowly, her pulse rushing and head reeling. She heard the quiet footsteps and glimpsed Galinda running to her side, the blonde's eyes filled with tears as she saw the knife, the blood, the stains and evidence of crying on Elphaba's face. "Please," her voice began to choke up. "Please tell me you weren't going to do what I think you were going to do."

Elphaba stayed silent, merely looking at her, attempting to convey through a gaze everything she felt inside. She tried, but all she could produce was a blank and empty stare - and, she thought, she couldn't have communicated her inner world any better.

The room spun faster, and Elphaba shut her eyes, exhaling. Everything seemed to fade now. "Elphie," she heard Galinda choke, then scream. " _Elphie_!"

She could feel her hands gripping her forearms as she tried to lift her up, pleading through sobs and screams for her to come back, to please come back, but she was already drifting into unconsciousness and into a numbness that no medication could ever give. "No, no, Elphaba, stay with me," came Galinda's panicked voice, now only a breathy echo in Elphaba's ear. "Help, somebody, _please_! Help!"

Time seemed to slow down as Elphaba hung there, on the threshold, in a tug-of-war between life and death. Her sight was going dim; everything around her seemed to morph into phantom-like blurs. The last thing she saw, if one could call what she was experiencing _seeing_ , was the fuzzy form of Galinda running out the door, running for help. But it would be too late. Elphaba almost hoped it would be too late.

She now couldn't see. She couldn't hear. The only thing left to her fading mind was the telltale _thump-thump_ of a heartbeat resounding in her head, but even that began to fade.

How much time passed, she didn't know. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? She vaguely felt hands all over her, gripping her arms and her legs, carrying her away, but she didn't care. She was a ghost, a lost cause. She may be dying now, but it didn't matter. She had been dead for a while anyway.

 _And that's how it should be,_ said the voices, the triumphant softness in their tones caressing her mind as she slipped into full unconsciousness. _That's how it should be._

* * *

 **NOTE:**

 **If you're struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, I'm here to tell you that _you can make it._ Having wrestled with this myself, I know how hard it can be. And the fact that you're still here, still alive, is so impressive. _So_ impressive. YOU ARE A FREAKING WARRIOR. Keep up the good work because five, ten, twenty years from now you're going to be looking back on your life and be proud that you made it this far. And you should. There is hope. There is always hope. Psalm 34:18-19 and John 3:16 are my hope, and I wish it to be yours too.**

 **Please don't be ashamed or scared to talk to someone about this if you're struggling! Please! You're not weak, I promise. The voices are wrong - this isn't how it should be and it is absolutely possible (even though it might not feel like it) to be okay again. I'm here to talk if you need it. Every life is worth saving, including yours.**

 **Suicide Hotline (US):**

 **1 (800) 273-8255**


	2. White

**Hey everyone! So, I decided to continue this and make it a multichap instead of a one-shot. You're welcome. ;) I don't know how long it'll go exactly, but we'll see what happens. I'll try to update regularly.**

* * *

It took what felt like years to convince herself to open her eyes.

Elphaba was first aware of how strikingly, incredibly white the world was. Boring, honestly. Plain. Not much to look at. But blinding. It hurt. At that thought, the pain exploded in her head, like just waiting for permission. Her tongue was sandpaper. Her eyes were trying to scrape their way to her medulla. Was this what being dead really felt like?

The horrifying white started to morph, fade, into figures. Humans? Animals? Angels?

"It's a miracle she survived."

Elphaba squinted, then instantly regretted it. She shut her eyes quickly and the white disappeared in a painful flash, giving way to cool darkness. Oh, how she wished it would swallow her up. But – hadn't it already?

"Her sister says this isn't the first time."

She's aware of her breathing now. And the smell. Something sterile. Chemical.

"She really should be transferred once she's well enough."

Blood. There had been a lot of blood. Everywhere. On the counter. On the knife. On her.

"What about the other girl? The one that brought her?"

Galinda. Screams. Tears. Pleading. Blonde curls. Blood.

"She was in hysterics, last I saw her. She should be okay, though. The nurse was talking to her, calming her."

"She and this oddity must have been friends."

"Mmm."

"Does she know that she's alive?"

"Not yet."

 _Alive. I'm alive._

Elphaba inhaled and her eyes opened to the blinding whiteness once more, the pounding in her head growing deafening. The figures sharpened into people. Serious people, and lots of them, also wearing white. What was it about this place and that color?

But this place looked familiar. Too familiar. The panic in her chest preceded rational thought and she began to struggle. Her wrist screamed. She didn't care.

Hands pressed against her, pushing her, gasping, back down.

"Miss Elphaba." said one of the angels. Men. They were men. "Miss Elphaba, lay still, please."

"This isn't heaven," Elphaba panted. "It's a hospital."

"Yes," said a lady soothingly. "Yes, dear, you're in a hospital. You –"

"It's a hospital," Elphaba's breathing picked up. Hospitals. White. So much white. "Hell. I'm in hell!"

"Sedate her."

Darkness again.

Galinda hadn't stopped shaking.

She'd stopped crying. She'd stopped screaming. Only after a nurse had taken her aside and talked to her for ten minutes. But she kept shaking.

And now it had been four hours and forty-seven minutes of trembling and panic and insomnia and she still hadn't heard anything. She knew she shouldn't have left the hospital. But she had no choice. They made her. They made her leave. They made her abandon Elphie. _Elphie ..._

She choked on her throat for the twelfth time since she had walked in and seen everything, every little detail she didn't want to think about, didn't want to know. But that didn't matter. All she knew now was that it was currently 7:26 am on a cold Thursday and there was blood in her kitchenette and her Elphie was dead and the memories, the questions, and the empty, ruffled bed beside her were killing her, too.

Breathe. Stop staring at the door. Breathe. Stop staring at her bed. Breathe. Stop thinking. _Just breathe._

She jumped inches into the air at the sound of her phone vibrating and nearly fell as she tripped over herself to get to it.

"Hello? Hello?!"

"Is this Miss Galinda Upland?"

"Yes, yes, is this Mercy Hospital?"

"Yes, miss. I'm calling to inform you that –"

Galinda's heart hitched.

"that Miss Elphaba Thropp is alive."

She felt like she was floating. For a moment, she had been so tense that the trembling had paused, but now as she slumped in relief it resumed, more violent than ever. She almost dropped the phone.

"She is very weak and under sedation as of now, but she should be waking up from that shortly."

Waking up.

"You may come see her briefly, if you –"

"Yes!" Galinda's voice was thrilled, tired, and still terrified, but bursting with relief. "Yes. I'll be right there. Thank you."

She hung up, scrambled out of bed and glanced in the mirror. She had put on her makeup at about six in the morning as a way to distract herself, and it had worked, for fifteen minutes. Now she had successfully hidden the tears and the bags under her eyes – but nothing could conceal the haunted look that seemed to permeate her being.

Quickly, she turned away, took her purse, and rushed out, closing the door behind her.

* * *

 **Apologies for the abrupt ending, but the chapter was getting too long and I wasn't sure how to split it up. :) please review! Constructive criticism is very much invited.**


	3. Visit

The second time Elphaba awoke, she was alone, and the room seemed less blinding, but her head was no less pounding.

She tried to move, but quickly discovered how terrible of an idea that was. Unable to do anything else, she looked around slowly and carefully and observed her prison.

She was dressed in an ugly gown, lying, restrained, on a bed that was firm but not completely uncomfortable. An IV filled with blood dripped and drained into her arm. There was a bandage wrapped around one wrist.

Ah, yes. She was definitely in a hospital, and that fact caused her a very strong squirm of discomfort in her abdomen. This wasn't part of the plan. She had wanted to go quietly and quickly and skip all this. She wasn't intended to survive. She thought she had ensured it.

She felt like banging her head into the back of the bed. Yes, it would hurt. But it would also bring the doctors and their drugs back in. She liked those.

She didn't have to wait long. The door creaked as it was pushed open and within seconds Elphaba was looking up at a doctor, who returned her stare intently.

"I am here to remove your restraints, Miss Thropp."

Elphaba winced at the name. "And why," she asked weakly, "would you do that?"

"You have a visitor," he said plainly as he undid the cuffs pinning her upper arms to the bed. "and you don't need them. For the time being." He finished quickly and looked at her once more in a glance that could be interpreted as kind. "But, for your sake, don't make me have to put them back on."

He was gone before she could react.

She took a shaky breath, trying to ignore the pounding in her head as she shut her eyes briefly, listening. Whispers. Footsteps, loud and quiet. The soft and squeaky sound of the door opening and closing.

Who was it? Nessa? Oz forbid, her father?

"Elphie."

Oh.

The voice was quiet and quivering, different than the other voices she's heard in these past hours. And that name. Her name. There was only one who would dare call her that and live to get away with it.

And then all the memories came back in a flood.

3 am. Voices. Knives. Blood. Blonde. Screams.

"Galinda..." she opened her eyes, struggling to push herself up, but everything blurred and she couldn't see and _oh,_ her head –

"Shh. It's..." A shaking hand on her arm. A cracking voice. "It's alright. Lay back down."

Slowly, Elphaba obeyed, blinking, desperately trying to bring things into focus, and peered up at her friend. Galinda had never looked so utterly exhausted and empty in the time Elphaba had known her. Her heart bulged in her throat when she realized that she had done this. She had done this to her.

Elphaba's breaths came raggedly, and she just stared as Galinda carefully pulled up a chair and took a seat. She wanted to say something. Say she was sorry. But she still wasn't sure if what she felt was guilt over attempting suicide, hurting her friend, or not succeeding in finishing the task.

Galinda chewed her lip and just stared back for the longest time before whispering, "Why?"

More silence. It was the kind of long quiet that would normally ensue when Galinda asked Elphaba a question about something deep or serious, usually in their schoolwork. To others, the absence of response would indicate ignorance or rudeness. To Galinda, she knew it meant Elphaba was thinking hard. Never did she imagine it would be about suicide.

"I'm ..." Elphaba paused, her voice quiet and weary. "I'm not supposed to be here. I'm a burden. Hated. Despised by everyone. No one wants me here."

"I want you here." Galinda dug her nails into her palms.

"No, you don't." Elphaba looked at her with the same dead stare she had given hours before and it sent chills down Galinda's spine. "You might think you do, but you don't. You really, really, don't. I'm a m –" her voice got higher and she had to bite down hard on her lip before her voice got strangled away. "A monster." She coughed. "A demon, a villain, a witch, whatever word you would prefer. I – no one – it would be better for the world if I was gone. I would be doing the most good if I was dead."

Galinda's eyes filled with tears. "Elphie ..."

"No." Her voice was hoarse. "No. Don't deny it. It's the truth. I shouldn't be alive." The lump in Elphaba's throat lessened slightly as her tone grew in intensity. "It's because of me my sister is crippled. It's because of me my mother is dead. My father hates me, the world hates me, and I'm worthless. Absolutely worthless."

"Elphaba –"

"I _hate_ myself, Galinda." Her eyes burned. "You don't understand what that's like because you're gorgeous. You have everything you could ever want. You are loved by everyone. I am none of those things. I will never be any of those things. You don't understand!" Her breath caught. "I _want_ to be dead! I want to be gone! I need to be –"

" _Elphaba Thropp_!"

Elphaba froze. Galinda's eyes were aflame with tears and rage and pain that Elphaba had never seen. It transformed her beautiful face into something raw and gruesome. Her chest stuttered as she tried to breathe somewhat normally, yet that did nothing to weaken how dangerously low her voice was.

"You say I don't know what it feels like. And you're right. I don't." Her jaw tightened. "But what I do know is how it felt to walk into that kitchen and see you with that wretched knife, with blood everywhere." Her voice squeaked as the tears started to invade her vocal chords but she didn't stop. "To see – see you fall, with those dead eyes, and – and your wrist, Elphaba, it was so –" A sob escaped her lips and she shook her head hard, her voice dropping to a squeaky whisper. "I thought you were dead. I thought you had killed yourself. I thought – that I had –" She was quaking now, barely able to hold herself up, much less maintain eye contact. "that I had lost you." She took a flimsy breath. "Oh, _Elphie_."

Elphaba's hands twitched uncontrollably. She didn't mean for this to happen. She didn't think it would happen. She thought – she thought – "Galinda, I ..."

"This is my fault." Galinda's voice had taken on an eerie tone and the look in her eyes made Elphaba's heart scream. "I did this to you." A tear gently slipped from beneath her lashes. "I wasn't a good friend, I didn't do what I should have, I must not have tried hard enough ..." Her eyes widened in terror as she came to the realization of what she had done. "I'm so sorry!"

Elphaba shook her head desperately, causing it to throb, but she didn't care. "No!" she choked indignantly. "No, Galinda, you don't understand. This isn't your fault. You are the only friend I've ever had, and one of the best people I've known!"

"Then why?" she had stood, wiping her tears, and stepped closer. "If that is the truth, why did you believe you'd be better off dead?" Slight bitterness tinged her voice now. "Who or what convinced you to think that by removing yourself from this world, you would be somehow making good?"

Elphaba looked away for a long time before murmuring inaudibly, her voice suddenly strangled almost beyond recognition. "That's all I was told."

"What?"

She coughed, painstakingly pushed herself to a sitting position, took a deep breath, and burst into tears.

Galinda's eyes pooled with pain and carefully she stepped forward, clambered up onto the hospital bed, and wrapped her arms around the weeping green girl.

Elphaba didn't fight, didn't argue. She was too tired to do more than bring trembling hands to claw at her face in an attempt to hide just how vulnerable she was. Everything, her inner screams, her pain, her panic, her voices, all poured out of her mind through her eyes as she buried her face in her best friend's shoulder.

Galinda was shaking again as she gripped her friend tightly, like she was afraid that if she let go, she'd lose her. "Elphie," she said quietly. " _Elphie_."

Elphaba whimpered and shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't … shouldn't be this weak, I shouldn't be crying, I –" heat filled her face and she tried to pull away, her stomach twisting in embarrassment, how _dare_ she let anyone see her cry, how dare –

"No." Galinda only held her tighter. "You have _every_ right to cry and … and it's nothing to be ashamed of." She pulled away slightly and gently lifted Elphaba's chin, chuckling sadly as she brushed the tears away with her knuckles. "You've been strong for too long. Maybe if you'd been weaker sooner we wouldn't … this wouldn't ..."

"I'm sorry." Elphaba took a shaky breath, shutting her eyes to get things back under control as she carefully lifted herself up, moving herself out of Galinda's embrace, but not pushing her away.

"I know you are." Galinda hiccuped slightly and she lifted a hand to wipe her own tears again. "And you should be. Just look at me." A small smile and teasing air touched her tone. "You made me cry and smear my makeup. Mascara isn't exactly cheap, you know."

All Elphaba could manage was a weak grin, which made Galinda's demeanor drop as fast as it came and she hugged her tightly again. They stayed that way for a long time – Elphaba's head on Galinda's shoulder and the blonde's arms wrapped around the green girl's tired body. At last, Galinda looked down at her and pulled away slightly with a sigh. "I should probably go. You look like you need rest." Gently, she brushed Elphaba's hair out of her face before sliding off of the hospital bed. "I'll visit you every day. I promise."

Elphaba nodded and murmured a thank you, now utterly exhausted.

"Oh, and Elphie?"

She pried her eyes open.

A gentle yet ferocious protectiveness smothered Galinda's features as she stepped forward and took Elphaba's hand. "I will _never_ let you go again."


	4. Home

**Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! If you're not out spending it with your SO, you can spend it with my fanfiction ;) enjoy! To those of you who have reviewed, favorited, and followed, thank you so much! You make my day.**

* * *

Galinda was true to her word. Though Elphaba usually slept most of the time, she did visit every day – partially out of a desire to keep her company, and partially out of a fear that if she didn't, she'd wake up to the call that Elphaba was dead.

By now, all of Shiz knew of the incident, and fairly quickly they knew to keep it quiet. Laughing at such morbid things was generally frowned upon by the staff, who did regret to hear of Elphaba's attempt. Nevertheless, the green girl's failed suicide became the university joke with all students except three.

If the subject was mentioned in front of Galinda, she would either lash out viciously or cry. Informing Fiyero was difficult at the moment as he was gone, back in the Vinkus due to family business. Speaking of it in front of Nessa would bring up a wild load of emotion buried beneath a cold glare.

Nessarose visited her sister the second day she was in the hospital and entered with an entourage of disapproval, disappointment, and sadness. Elphaba had been dreading that conversation. They'd had it before.

 _"Again? Why? I thought we were past this."_

 _"One never gets past this."_

 _"That may be true, but I really thought we turned a corner, Elphaba."_

 _"Does Father know?"_

 _…_

 _"Nessa..."_

 _…_

 _"Nessa, what?"_

 _"I wrote to him this morning."_

 _"Nessa!"_

 _"Elphaba, what else would you have me do?! He deserves to know. He's your father."_

 _"No. He's. Not."_

She was transferred to the mental hospital the very next day.

Elphaba had read plenty of books about mental hospitals. Some portrayed it as a dark, dilapidated building where murderers and psychopaths were housed and cruel tortures took place. Others showed it as a beautiful, quiet, peaceful home where those that cannot function in the outside world could safely stay. Saint Makyla's Hospital for the Mentally Ill was a happy medium, or so it was said.

To Elphaba, it was a mind-numbing palace of routine, hospital gowns, schedules, drugs, and crazies. Elphaba felt out of place yet strangely at home at the same time. The only people that looked at her oddly were the nurses, volunteers, and the occasional schizophrenic that would scream that she's a demon. But it wasn't the schizophrenics she was worried about.

She knew that every night she stayed here was another bill her father would have to deal with. It wasn't his financial status she was worried about, not in the slightest, he had plenty – it was his temper. She'd pay for this. She'd pay dearly for this. That thought would normally cause her to panic, but she was so drugged that she couldn't do much other than drift from scheduled place to place.

Galinda still visited every day and Nessa twice out of the whole time she stayed. On Nessa's second visit, she brought her a letter from their father. Elphaba never bothered to read it, instead tossing it in the bottom of the bag of books Galinda had brought her. The letter would make wonderful kindling later, once she got out in two more weeks. Just two weeks.

One week.

Three days.

One day.

Before she knew it, she was back in her normal clothes again, sitting in the passenger of Galinda's car as they drove back to Shiz with her bag of belongings and pouch of pills. She was thrilled to be out and away from Saint Makyla's, but nervous. Oh so nervous. Father could touch her here. He could take her. He could hurt her. He – breathe, breathe -

"We're here!" Galinda parked and hopped out, rushing over to Elphaba's side of the car before she could do more than unbuckle. "Let me help –"

"No, thank you, I'm fine," Elphaba waved a hand as she eased her way out of the car. Galinda frowned and resigned herself to carrying her meager bags up to the dorm.

Elphaba had never been so grateful to see that dorm in her life. She flopped down onto her bed with a sigh, shutting her eyes. "I didn't realize I had started to call this place home until that stupid hospital."

"It wasn't stupid," said Galinda soothingly, shutting the door behind her and setting the bags down, starting to unpack them. "It was helpful. Right?"

Elphaba grunted, still not looking at her. "Whatever. It was just pills and empty words if you ask me."

Galinda clucked her tongue in disapproval, trying not to seem as worried as she actually was. "They meant well. Everything they did was to try to help you." She began to unpack, sorting Elphaba's things into piles. "You may not want to admit it, or believe it, but …" she paused. "what you did wasn't okay." She glanced up at her. "You're meant to be here. You're needed here. You can't take yourself away from that." She got quieter. "Away from the people who care about you."

The green girl shut her eyes again, her stomach squirming in discomfort at the topic. "Look," she said flatly, "I appreciate that you care this much about all this – really, I do. But the last thing I need right now is someone criticizing or blaming me. I have enough of that already."

"What do you mean, you have enough of it already?"

Elphaba bit her lip, wincing, regretting those words as soon as she had said it.

"Elphaba?"

Like she seemed to be as of late, Galinda was sharper than a knife. No. Bad analogy. "Don't worry about it, I didn't mean anything by that, it's just ..."

Galinda sat up and when Elphaba turned her head she could see her eyes narrowed suspiciously peering over the edge of the bed.

"What?" Elphaba carefully pushed herself upright and lifted her hands. "I don't want it to come across wrong, but I'm just saying that I really would rather not deal with criticism right now. I – what are you doing?"

Galinda had rolled her eyes and continued unpacking Elphaba's books while she was talking, but now she had paused, holding up an envelope with angry scrawl on the front. Elphaba's face paled when she realized what that was. She had forgotten about that and the sight of it filled her with the panic she had just gotten rid of. "Galinda, give that to me."

The sudden intensity of her tone caused Galinda to look up, and her eyes to widen. "Why? What is it?"

Elphaba pushed herself out of bed. "It's mine, that's all that matters." She stalked forward, holding out her hand, and glared when Galinda got to her feet and slid back. " _Mine_."

Galinda's eyes narrowed. "What's causing you to react like this? What's inside?"

"That's none of your business. Give it back."

"No, I'm your best friend, I'm making it my business. What is it?" She peered at the front, trying to decipher the name out of the scribbles. "Something someone wrote to you? You wrote to yourself? A –"

"Give it back!" Lunging, Elphaba snatched the envelope out of her hand and retreated to the bed, breathing hard from the effort. She glanced up at Galinda's shocked and hurt expression and sighed heavily, shutting her eyes for a moment. "It's from my father," she mumbled. "That's all."

Silence filled the room for a long time. Elphaba didn't look up, merely staring at the letter, at her name ferociously scribbled on the front. One look at his handwriting told her all she needed to know about how he felt regarding the situation. She shivered.

The feeling of the bed lowering caused her to look up into Galinda's hesitant blue eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm pushing you too much."

Elphaba sighed, shaking her head. "It's not your fault," she replied. "It's mine. I'm sorry I'm being so irritable. I'm just stressed."

"Over the letter?"

"Over everything."

"I thought your pills were helping."

Elphaba smiled sadly. "Unfortunately, pills don't solve every problem."

Galinda's lips twisted. "No, I suppose they don't." She hesitated. A long silence stretched between them. Elphaba fidgeted with the letter. "You said that was from your father?" Galinda asked quietly.

Elphaba swallowed hard. "Yes," she muttered. Her fingers tightened slightly around the letter. That was all the extra confirmation Galinda needed.

"Elphie." She carefully moved her head so as to look her in the eye. "What has he done?"

Elphaba's jaw tightened. "Galinda ..."

Her face darkened. "Was he behind … that?" She glanced at Elphaba's still bandaged wrist. "Did he push you to do this to yourself?" Her eyes widened and breaths quickened. "What has he said to you? Did he – did he –"

"Galinda, please!" Elphaba had paled again and stood up suddenly, twirling the letter in her fingers, avoiding Galinda's interrogative stare like she would burn under it. "I told you. Don't push me." She took a trembling breath. "Please."

Galinda's face immediately crumbled and she leaped to her feet, shaking her head in worry. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean – I just wanted to make sure, well, you know, that you were – I mean –"

Elphaba held up a hand, slipping the letter into her pocket. "Whatever. It's fine. I, uh, need to start catching up on homework. May I have the notes you took for me, please?"

Galinda visibly deflated, feeling like an absolute failure. She had been a terrible friend, no wonder Elphaba –

She stopped herself there and turned away before Elphaba could see the emotion in her eyes and the slight hurt in her face at Elphaba's formal tone. "Yes. Of course." She rummaged slightly longer than necessary through her things and returned with a folder full of notes. "Here."

Elphaba managed a small smile. "Thanks." Carefully, she moved over to her desk and set the note down with a sigh, grateful for the familiarity of the dorm. She was about to sit when she sensed Galinda watching her. "Oh, and Galinda?" She turned back around and smiled again, stronger. "Thank you. For everything." Her voice got quieter and her eyes dipped to the floor. "I do not deserve you."

Galinda's face brightened slightly into a smile and she bowed her head the slightest bit. "No, Miss Elphaba. It is I who do not deserve you."


	5. Normal

**So sorry for the lack of update! I'm entering into a super busy time of year, with performances all the time and me trying to graduate. I'll still be updating, but I doubt it'll be weekly. Don't worry, though, I won't leave this unfinished! When I'll update, I don't know, but I won't leave you hanging.**

 **Also - please see my bio! I have an important question for you all.**

* * *

As Elphaba sat at her desk by the window, scribbling away at an essay in the quiet of the dorm, she realized this is the closest she's come to normal in a while.

It had been a long several weeks. Trying to get caught up on schoolwork, attempting to ignore the passive suicide related jabs from the students, and Galinda hovering all over her had been rough. Not to mention dealing with her head.

But that didn't matter. She's here, she's fine, and things had eased up a bit. Especially on Galinda's part.

Her care about Elphaba had been sweet, yes, but had also been bordering on obsession. Elphaba surmised it was based on fear (she didn't know whether to feel guilty about that or touched), and it had taken Galinda a long time to relax and let Elphaba out of her sight. Elphaba had never known what a mother was supposed to be like, but she supposed that it would be like this.

Tonight was the first night in several weeks that Galinda had gone out with her friends, to Elphaba's excitement. It was good to see her do something more like her old self, to stop worrying for a moment. She never thought she'd say this, but she missed the old Galinda. At least, a little. She was happy to see her start returning to normal.

Having the dorm to herself was a plus, too.

She leaned back in her chair, examining her work. It hadn't been required of her to do this essay. Not really. It was for extra credit, which she didn't need, but the prompt was too good. It was all about Animal rights development through Oz's history, and not only was it the perfect opportunity to voice her opinions, but she also had just read an _amazing_ book about that very topic and –

"I'm back!"

Elphaba sighed. "And out goes the peace and quiet."

"Oh, hush." Galinda tossed her hair out of her face as she shut the door. "What did you do while I was gone? Study, I presume?"

"Of course. Did you honestly believe otherwise?"

"No. Not at all." She smiled, kicking off her heels, looking exhilarated. "We went to this new restaurant bar that just opened up last week, and it is fantastic. Gorgeous setup. And waiters."

Elphaba snorted. "What?" Galinda said. "It's true. And the food was great."

"See?" Elphaba turned in her chair to face her. "I told you that you should've gone out. You hadn't gone for a while. You were beginning to worry me."

Galinda waved a hand. "It was only a couple weeks."

"That's a long time, for someone who would go every Friday night at least."

"Well ..." she took a breath, shrugging, her voice dropping slightly. "There were more important things to do."

Elphaba didn't know how to respond to that. Luckily, Galinda saved her from the need to by standing and walking over to her vanity, chattering the whole way. Elphaba could hear faintly in her tone how much she didn't want to talk about the "important things". Both girls would agree that they had had enough talk about that.

"... but it was a very nice outing. I got to wear this new dress I bought a month ago." She grinned at herself in the mirror. "I didn't think maroon was my color, but lo and behold, here I am."

"My goodness, what a vocabulary," Elphaba quipped, picking up her book and sitting on her bed. "I didn't know you knew what 'lo and behold' meant."

"Contrary to popular belief, I do learn some things," she said with a chuckle, taking out her earrings.

A gentle silence filled the space between them as Galinda wound down from her night out and Elphaba enjoyed her book. She knew it wouldn't last long – Galinda's record of not breaking silence was three minutes and twelve seconds – but it was still nice.

"Elphie? You know what I just realized?"

Three minutes and five. So close. "Hm?"

"I have a nickname for you, but you don't have one for me."

"How unfair."

"Be serious. We're friends, we should have nicknames for each other."

Elphaba gave her a pointed look over the top of her book. "And you expect me to be creative and come up with one?"

Galinda smiled. "I want to watch you try."

Elphaba rolled her eyes, but set her book down and sat up. "Fine. Linda."

"No. I sound like a grandmother."

"Glinda, then."

"Too long!"

"It's the same amount of syllables as Elphie!"

"I guess, but it's what Dillamond calls me!"

Elphaba huffed. "Whatever. Lin."

"Don't like it."

"Indy."

Galinda paused, thinking. "No."

"Why don't you just pick one for yourself?" Elphaba muttered.

"It's not a nickname then! Not really."

"Alright, alright!" Elphaba shot her a half-hearted glare. "One more try. If you don't like it, deal with it, and I'll call you Galinda forever."

"Fine." Galinda shot her a warning look. "But you better put some thought into this one."

Elphaba wished her eyes could roll farther into the back of her head, but she did smile slightly as she paused and thought, diagramming Galinda's name briefly in her head.

"Glin?"

Galinda blinked, her lips twisting. "Say it again."

"Glin."

"In a sentence."

"For Oz's sake, _Glin_ , stop dragging this out, will you?"

Galinda thought for a moment longer, then sat up straighter. "Yes. That's the one."

Elphaba exhaled. "Finally. I thought that would never be over."

Galinda grinned. "You loved it. And it sounds nice. Glin and Elphie. I do really like it."

"I'm glad. I put a lot of effort into that." She returned to her book, shaking her head, but grinning. It felt good. Smiling, laughing. She – they – hadn't done that for a while. She glanced up at Galinda, at Glin, and could see the look of weary triumph in her face, and it made Elphaba almost sad that she could practically hear Galinda tell herself happily, _I made her smile._ That shouldn't be her responsibility. She shouldn't care this much. Why did she care this much?

Quickly, before they could take root, she pushed those thoughts aside. They weren't going to ruin the moment. Not today.

* * *

 **A lighter chapter for you. :) reviews pretty please!**


	6. Night

**Thank you for all your reviews! I adore them.**

 **Fae'sFlower: You will most definitely find out what the letter says – I didn't make that a plot point for nothing ;)**

 **Indy's Green Hat: I'm glad you liked the lighter chapter! I figured I'd throw you guys a bone. But due to the nature of this fanfic, I'm afraid it's back to angst now. Sorry, not sorry :)**

* * *

" _Look at it!"_

 _Heavy breaths. Eyes squeezed shut. Hands, rough, too strong hands, clamped on her forearms._

" _I told you to look at it! Look, you stupid girl!"_

 _Scream. Was that hers? The hands left and the floor moved and she smashed into something then the floor with a crash. She opened her eyes to see the mirror, split into shards, and her face grotesquely reflected in a million pieces. She looked like a monster. She was a monster._

 _Laughter. Horrid, cackling laughter. "What good does magic do you, huh? Huh?! You can't even change your skin!"_

 _She whimpered as he yanked her to her knees by the hair. "You are disgusting!" he was screaming now. "Do you see?" He shoved her face into the glass shards. They pressed into her cheekbones, her lips, her eyebrows, nicking her skin like little razorblades, she's dying, he's going to kill her, she's dying – "Look at yourself! You're worthless, worthless, WORTHLESS –"_

Her own muffled scream woke her.

She didn't even register that she was in the dorm, all she could feel were his arms wrapped around her – no, the sheets – no, his arms –

She ripped the sheets off of her and scrambled out of bed, standing with her back pressed against the wall, her body trembling and chest heaving, one hand over her mouth trying to stifle her gasps for air. She was okay, safe, at Shiz and in her dorm and it was Galinda in the bed not Nessarose or her father and she was fine. Just fine.

Yet her heart felt like it was going to burst. There was fire coursing through her veins. She needed to focus, she needed to calm, she wanted to rip her skin apart piece by piece.

Before she knew it, she had stumbled softly over to her tissue box by her nightstand and pulled out her secret razorblade. Galinda had removed all sharp objects from the dorm as soon as Elphaba returned from the hospital, but she hadn't known about this. Elphaba's backup. Her hope. The hope she hadn't touched in weeks and weeks.

She froze, the blade in one trembling hand, one solitary thought breaking through.

Glin.

She glanced briefly at Galinda over her shoulder. Still asleep. She wouldn't know if Elphaba did it. She could cover it up as always. Wear long sleeves.

And yet.

That blade hovered over her exposed wrist for what felt like decades as she waged war behind her eyelids with the voices, who she knew now had never left.

" _Do it."_

" _I can't."_

" _You can. You have. Do it."_

" _I can't."_

" _You_ will _do it!"_

" _I can't!"_

Gritting her teeth, she set the blade down on the nightstand, but as soon as the handle left her fingertips her body was itching for it again.

Run. Run. She had to run.

Jumping up, her hands shaking like a drunk's, she grabbed her sweater, slid her feet into shoes and ran out the door. Into the hallway, down the stairs, out into the night. It was cold. Very cold. But it felt wonderful.

She didn't even know where she was going; all she knew was that with every step away from the dorm, the more she was coming back, the more control she had. Her breaths began to slow. The voices quieted. Her trembling became due to the weather and her sorry excuse for a coat instead of the nightmares.

Sighing, she sank into a bench and gripped the icy armrests. There were streetlights, but there were also plenty of shadows. Darkness frightened most people, and it did scare her some, but the thought of going back to that dorm and that sweaty, shredded bed scared her more.

Inhale. Exhale.

She wanted to stay out here forever.

Inhale. Exhale.

What would it feel like to freeze to death?

Inhale. Exhale.

No. Don't think like that. Can't think like that. It would let the voices in.

Carefully, she leaned her head back and looked at the stars, trying not to think about the darkness and her father and how similar they were. She tried to find the constellation Theodora. As a little girl, she had grown up on that legend – about the warrior queen who fought so bravely and tirelessly for her people, even though they were a minority. That's why she was the smallest constellation in the Ozian sky – but the brightest.

She counted constellations for what felt like hours until her hands and feet were burning from the cold and it felt like she would never be warm again. She wanted to curl up on this bench and never leave, but she knew she had to go back. Be like Theodora. Fight bravely. And this darkness was beginning to inflame her panic.

She ran the whole way home.

Breathless, she only allowed herself five seconds of trembling outside the door before she forced herself to go in, just barely remembering to be quiet so as not to wake Galinda.

Not like it would have mattered.

The blonde's head snapped up at the sound of the door from where she was standing by the kitchenette. The mixture of relief, rage, and terror in her eyes caused Elphaba's breath to hitch. Galinda's sheets were all tangled too, she noticed.

"Where," Galinda hissed, "were you?"

Elphaba opened her mouth to respond, but her voice was rusty and hoarse. Had she actually been screaming? It felt like it. "I –"

"I what? What did you do? Where did you go? You scared me to death!" Galinda gasped. Elphaba glimpsed her hands shaking before she crossed her arms defensively. "I thought – I honestly thought –" Her voice broke and any sort of anger vanished, the frightened relief overwhelming her and she crumbled slightly, taking the smallest of steps forward. "Why would you – _Elphaba Thropp_ –"

Elphaba was shaking like a leaf. Cold? Or something else? Thropp. _Thropp_ , that horrible name. Horrible man. "I – I'm sorry," she muttered, the thoughts coming back. _Look at it, you stupid girl!_ "I didn't –" she couldn't breathe. _Worthless._ "I didn't mean to –" _Worthless!_

Hands on her forearms. She twitched violently away from them, stumbling backwards, hitting something. Was that a wall? A bed? Focus. She had to stay present.

"Elphaba?"

It was a bed. She gripped the sheets between numbed fingers. She could hear her breaths, awful and uneven, but what could she do? She was alone in this. This was her head, her disease, there was nothing she could do.

She blinked. Once, twice, three times. The panic was still there, the voices, her father, all still present, but she could see Galinda in front of her, looking terribly frightened, and she focused. She opened her mouth, preferably to tell her it's going to be okay, that everything's fine, but what came out surprised even her. It was quiet and so shaky it was barely audible, but still there.

"Help me."


	7. Breathe

**Some more friendship fluff for you! This chapter is my longest yet, seven pages for chapter seven :) again, thank you for your reviews. They made me grin. Happy Easter, you lovely people!**

* * *

Galinda's face melted. If Elphaba had been fully cognizant, she would have seen in Galinda's expression just how much she had yearned to hear those words, for Elphaba to voluntarily invite her in. But all Elphaba knew was the sensation of the bed lowering and seeing Galinda reach for her. She twitched to the touch at first, staying, quivering, a fingertip's distance away, but then curled slowly towards her.

"Oz, Elphie, you're freezing," Galinda murmured. She reached for the blanket, in a messy pile at the foot of the bed, and wrapped it around the both of them, pulling them together. Elphaba was like putty in her hands and as Galinda gently tugged her closer she willingly went, her head on the blonde's shoulder. She was faintly aware of this, aware of Glin's arms around her, but she was too preoccupied to think about it.

The screams from years ago were still in her head, still so real they felt like they were reverberating through the room. She fingered the texture of the blanket between shaking fingers. Felt smooth skin against her face. Smelled a trace of – what was it – something soft? Focus. She had to focus.

"Elphie. Elphie, listen. Are you listening?"

Elphaba stirred and nodded.

"Describe the weather to me."

Elphaba shook her head, confused. "Weather?" she croaked.

"Weather," said Galinda firmly, a tremor crackling beneath. "What was it like? Just tell me."

"It was … cold."

"Yes."

 _Hands. Arms. Rough. Screams._

"Clear skies. But cold. Very cold."

 _He gripped her tightly – he was yelling – he was too close –_

"Clear skies, you said. Were there a lot of stars?"

Stars. "Yes."

 _He gripped her tightly – he was shaking her – but he wasn't holding on so tight anymore –_

"How many?"

"Lots. I couldn't count them. Can't. Impossible."

 _He was yelling, still, but she couldn't hear – the voices were gone – everything was fad_ ing back to normal –

"Did you see any shapes?"

Elphaba frowned. "Shapes? Really, Glin? Even you should know what those are."

She felt Galinda move as a blonde curl brushed her cheek and she suddenly, like awakening from a dream, was aware of where she was. She wasn't in Munchkinland. She was in her dorm room, and her body was tightly balled up and somehow Galinda Upland was holding her and it, for a moment, felt wonderful – until she realized that she was being held. That she had had a nightmare and was being held. Like a helpless little girl.

She twisted and Galinda let her go. She felt better now, safer, more in control, and certainly her face was dark with embarrassment, but still her hands trembled.

"Elphaba?" Galinda watched her in concern from the bed. She didn't move, as if she were scared she had done something wrong.

Elphaba instinctively began pacing the room, her panic gone and a newfound energy taking its place. She couldn't keep still. She had to move. She could feel the energy in her chest cavity and her fingers and she knew that the magic was close. All she could do was breathe. Walk. Think.

"Elphaba?"

Elphaba glanced at her as she walked by. "Yes?"

"What happened?"

She paused.

"And," Galinda added, "please don't say that you don't want to talk about it because you can't keep doing that. I'm sorry, but you can't."

Elphaba's lips twisted as she resumed pacing. "I had a nightmare," she said quietly.

Galinda stood slowly. "Why did you leave?"

"I needed to get out. The dorm was too stuffy and hot, and I couldn't face that bed again." She took a shaky breath. She walked and touched Galinda's vanity, then across to her bookshelf, then back again. "If I closed my eyes, it would all come rushing back … I couldn't stop it … I needed to get out ..."

Galinda watched her sadly. "I'm sorry for yelling at you," she said softly, hooking her fingers together. "I didn't know you had a nightmare, I didn't know you left to get some air, I just thought that – well, I thought that you – that –"

"That I had killed myself." Elphaba said this with a finality, a flatness, an apathetic distance from the situation that sounded more like a psychiatrist discussing the subject with a colleague than someone who wrestled with it daily. "Yes. I know."

"It scares me, Elphaba." Galinda hugged herself tightly. "I'm sorry, but it does."

"I know."

"I don't want to go through that again."

"You won't."

"Promise?" Galinda stepped out in front of her, stopping her pacing abruptly. She looked at her pleadingly but firmly. "Do you promise me that you won't?"

Elphaba looked at her for a long time before answering. "I promise." Her hand twitched towards Galinda's for a moment. "And I mean it. There may be times when I don't want to be here, but I'll stay. For you."

Galinda offered a tired smile. "I'll accept that for now." Gently, she took Elphaba's hand. "Now, stop your pacing. You're making me dizzy." Before Elphaba knew it, she was sitting on the bed with a blanket around her shoulders. "I'll make you something. Hot cocoa or tea?"

Elphaba shook her head. "Galinda, honestly, you don't have to, I'm sure you're tired and –"

The blonde gave her a look. "Hot cocoa or tea?"

Elphaba coughed. "Um, tea. Tea would be fine."

Galinda nodded somewhat triumphantly. "Tea. Give me a second."

As she disappeared into the kitchenette, Elphaba took a deep breath. The nightmare, the panic, was gone – for now. But she still felt clammy, lightheaded, a little cold, and embarrassed. Had Galinda really been holding her? Had she really asked her for help? She shook her head, cringing. She wasn't even entirely sure why she was cringing, but she couldn't help it.

"Here you go," said Galinda, walking back with tea in hand. "It's decaffeinated. Hot cinnamon spice. With, yes, three squirts of honey," she said with a hint of a smile when Elphaba opened her mouth. "I remember."

Elphaba ducked her head quietly, taking the tea as it was handed to her and sipping it. It tasted amazing. And the heat filled her up from the inside out. She was here. She was alive. She was okay. For the time being.

The bed creaked as Galinda sat cross-legged across from her, looking drained but very much awake. Elphaba could almost see her thinking, debating on whether or not to ask the obvious question. She saved her the trouble.

"You want to know what I was dreaming about." She took a sip of her tea.

Galinda bit her lip. "I do." She swallowed hard. "I've never seen you like that. Do you get these all the time? How have I not noticed?"

Elphaba shook her head. "I do get them, yes, but they're rarely this severe. So, don't worry. You haven't missed anything."

Galinda attempted to hide her exhale of relief, but it was obvious – cute, even, how worried she was. Elphaba had no idea how that was supposed to make her feel, but she guessed she liked it. Maybe.

"Then why was this one so particularly severe?" Galinda leaned forward. "I thought your medication was supposed to help!"

Elphaba cleared her throat. "Um, yes. It is. But …"

Galinda shut her eyes for a second before burying her face in her hands. "You didn't take it," she murmured through them. "For the love of Oz, Elphaba! Why didn't you take it?"

Elphaba hid behind her tea. "I was feeling better," she mumbled. "And I didn't – don't – like being dependent on anything, so I thought maybe I should wean myself off of it ..."

"By suddenly not taking your dose for the night?"

"... yes ..."

"Elphie!"

Elphaba sighed. "Glin, it was just one night – an experiment that obviously failed. I won't do it again."

Galinda glared then relented, too tired to pursue the matter further. "Whatever." She gave her a half-hearted look. "Still not quite forgiving you for sending me into cardiac arrest, though. I swear, if I find _any_ gray hairs on my head tomorrow ..."

Elphaba chuckled slightly. "Sorry. It was entirely an accident."

Galinda nodded. "I know. I just wish I could know when you were getting up. So that, you know, I won't have to wake up and you're gone and it can save me the stress." Her eyes lit up briefly with an idea, then cooled. "Hm. Maybe."

Elphaba's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What? What do you think you're going to do to me?"

Galinda's shoulders lifted. "Nothing."

"I'm just going to assume it's like all of your other ideas and say this now – you're being a little overbearing, don't you think?"

"No! Of course not. It's for my own peace of mind."

"I'm sure," Elphaba said dismissively.

The two sat in silence for some time, Elphaba slowly sipping her tea, face growing increasingly solemn, and Galinda quite the same. This time, it was Elphaba that softly broke the quiet.

"Why?"

Galinda tilted her head. "Why what?"

"Why are you still here?"

"What do you mean?"

Elphaba cleared her throat, gripping the now empty cup in her bony hands. "I'm so much of a burden for you," she said softly. "You hardly ever go out or do anything anymore because you're so worried about me. I feel like I've changed you, and I don't like it. I feel personally responsible. This wasn't supposed to happen."

Galinda moved forward again, lowering her head to gain eye contact. Elphaba was surprised to find her eyes blazing. "Who says you're a burden?" she countered.

"I do."

"Well, have you ever considered being wrong?" She leaned on her hands. "You're not a burden. I know this seems to be lost on you every time I say it, but I _care_ about you, Elphie. A lot. That's why I'm 'so worried about you', because I care. And, for the record, I don't mind not going out so much. The people that I go out with are horrible, I've come to realize, and as much as I miss a good glass of wine from time to time, I could probably do better than drinking too much on Friday nights."

"But all these scares – all these times –"

"They're not exactly a walk in the park, yes," Galinda interrupted, "and I'm not saying I enjoy them, but I enjoy you. Even when you're broken. And you _are_ broken. But that's the thing, that's what I'm doing, that's why I'm being so 'overbearing'. Because I want to fix you." She bit her lip and looked away. "I feel like I've been pretty useless," she murmured. "My whole life, I never _did_ anything, I never accomplished anything of real value. Now, I have a chance to do something. To make a difference." She took a breath. "So, yes, you have changed me, Elphaba. But it's for the better."

Elphaba blinked, swallowing hard. "Wow," she croaked, then paused. She's _not_ getting emotional. No tears. No tears. "I never thought –"

Galinda sighed, almost in irritation. "Just because you can't understand why you're loved doesn't mean you're not." A hint of a smile twitched her lips. "You may know many things, Elphie, but there's still plenty you need to learn."

Elphaba's lips twitched. "As long as 'plenty' doesn't include learning to be popular, I think I'm good."

Galinda chuckled. "Don't worry. We've covered that."

"Good." Elphaba set her now empty mug on the nightstand and, for the first time, took notice of the hour. 3:21 am. She resisted the urge to wince at that, knowing how much Galinda prized and prioritized her sleep. "Okay. I think I'm ready to go back to bed."

Galinda eyed her slowly. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

She nodded. "Alright. I'll get the light."

The idea of darkness and returning to the bed suddenly terrified her, but she swallowed hard to keep it down. There was no way she would go back to sleep anytime soon, she knew that, her suggestion was more for Galinda's sake than hers, but if she could last long enough until Galinda fell asleep, maybe she could –

 _Click._

The room blackened and Elphaba felt it, like a weight in her chest. The tiny nightlight on Galinda's side of the room did nothing to help matters as the panic rose again. She breathed carefully so Galinda would not know, disguising it by adjusting the covers. The dreaded covers. But it would be okay. Yes. Right?

She pulled the blankets up over her, imagining them as comforting and warm, but no, they were grabbing her, gripping her, shaking her –

A gust of air flew over her body as the sheets vanished. Elphaba twitched as the bed lowered and she came face to face with blue eyes and messy blonde curls.

"Glin!" she hissed as Galinda slid next to her. "What are you doing?"

Galinda grinned, just barely visible as Elphaba's eyes adjusted to the darkness. "This is my idea, Elphie! We're going to share a bed! That way I'll know whenever you move around or get up so I can help you with your nightmares."

Elphaba pushed herself upright, leaning on one elbow and looking down at her in exasperation. "Share a bed? Seriously?"

"Why not?" Galinda pressed. "It's brilliant!"

"You're basically saying you want to know when I get up and where I am at all times! What if I have to go to the bathroom?"

"Then I'll know that you're in the bathroom and I won't have a heart attack when I wake up and you disappeared!" Galinda sighed. "Elphie, I insist. And if it makes, well, anything of yours worse, you can kick me out and I'll go willingly. But you have to, at least, give this a try."

Elphaba huffed.

"Deal?"

She paused. She was mostly sure that she didn't like this idea, but Galinda looked so hopeful. And if it always backfired, she could move. "Whatever."

"Excellent."

"On one condition."

Galinda looked at her with an innovator's hope that her plan might succeed and also a motherly fear that what she's going to do will damage more than heal. She nodded slowly, waiting intensely for Elphaba to continue.

"That we sleep in your bed because it's bigger and more comfortable." _And I can't be in my bed for one more night._

Galinda visibly relaxed. "Oh! Yes. Sure. I'm glad you mentioned that. Take your pillow, though."

Changing beds did definitely help ease the terror – not entirely, but it helped. Galinda's sheets were softer and smelled different. It smelled like her, actually. Elphaba didn't realize she had a smell.

"How do you feel?" Galinda asked. Elphaba could hear it, vaguely – the twinge of fear, of 'was this a bad idea'.

She smiled slightly, staring at the ceiling. "I feel a little better, thank you."

Galinda looked at her. "A little better?"

Elphaba rolled over to return her stare with a sigh. "Galinda, it's not going to magically go away just because I changed beds." She took a deep breath. "But, it is better."

Galinda nodded. "I'll take better for now. I'm just glad that I can actually do something to help." She yawned, at which Elphaba laughed, in spite of herself.

"Stop talking and go to bed," she chided.

Galinda sighed. "Alright, alright! Just wake me up if you need anything, okay?"

"Why should I?" Elphaba shot her a look. "Apparently just me moving will be sufficient."

"Oh, stop." Galinda rolled her eyes but Elphaba thought she heard a quiet chuckle she rolled over.

"Goodnight, Elphie."

Elphaba smiled again, feeling calmer as she exhaled slowly. "Goodnight, Glin."


	8. Letter

**Again, apologies for my little hiatus. Thank you so much to those who stick with me though I can't update as regularly. You guys rock.**

 **Hopefully updates will be coming a lot sooner after this week!**

* * *

The sun filtering through the only window in the room filled the dorm with a brilliant orange light that shone directly in Elphaba's eyes.

She groaned softly and held up a hand to shield her face. Why did the sun hurt so much? It had never shone this brightly on her side of the room before.

Her side of the room.

She shut her eyes against the sunlight. Of course. She had asked Glin for help, and this is what she got. A change of beds and burning orange in her pupils.

She rolled over, away from the sun, and came face to face with her blonde roommate. Galinda was, in Elphaba's opinion, a little too close to her, but to her credit, she was rather pretty, even in sleep - though she was taking up far too much room. Elphaba chuckled. She wondered if Galinda, not exactly a light sleeper, would actually wake up if Elphaba moved.

Yawning, Elphaba slowly pulled herself up by her elbows, rubbing her eyes with one hand as she exhaled. Another day, another war. But last night hadn't been so bad, at least, towards the end. She glanced at the clock. 10:13. Funny. She had never slept in that late before.

Usually because she had class.

Elphaba bolted upright. Class. Oh Oz, how could she forget?

Throwing the comforter aside, she leapt out of bed, hitting the ground lightly as she ran towards her closet. 10:13. She missed Economics in its entirety and Ozian History started about ten minutes ago but if she hurried, she could make it with an hour left of class -

"Elphie!"

She spun around to Galinda, bleary-eyed but alert and alarmed, sitting up on the edge of the bed like a cat about to pounce. "Elphaba, are you all right? What's the matter?"

Elphaba paused, taking a breath. "Class! I missed Economics and if I don't hurry" - she turned frantically back to her closet, grabbing at whatever was within her reach - "I'll miss History too. Oz, I've never done this! Never!"

Galinda glanced at the clock, then back at her with a resigned (and slightly relieved) sigh. "Elphie, it's Tuesday. You don't have class till eleven."

Elphaba froze before slumping against the frame of the closet, shutting her eyes. "Oh."

Glin chuckled, shaking her head. "Would you look at that! I knew something you didn't. Sort of." She flopped back down on the bed. "Have you really never missed a class before? It's not that big of a deal."

Elphaba sent an irritated glare in her direction. "Not for you, but I have more important things to do than sleep in."

Galinda yawned, unperturbed by her tone. "Clearly stressing out for no reason is one of them." She rested her chin in her hands and looked over at her. "But I am glad there wasn't a serious problem. And also that my plan worked."

Elphaba crossed her arms, leaning against the wall. "What plan?"

The blonde smirked. "The one where we share a bed! See? I can wake up like that - all quick-like. I can help you."

Elphaba sighed. "Yes. You can wake up. Congratulations."

"And you didn't have any more nightmares?"

She paused. "No."

Galinda grinned triumphantly. "Told you. It is working."

The green girl bit back the response that it had only been one time and she had already had a nightmare that night, that the sun had been in her eyes when she woke up and Galinda took up half the bed but it was more comfortable and - "Time shall tell, Glin." But she offered a slight smile before resuming grabbing clothes out of the closet. "How long must I share a bed with you?"

Galinda took a breath. "Three weeks."

"Three weeks?!"

"You're lucky," she said, with an air of teasing. "I'm being merciful."

"Galinda, be serious. That's not necessary."

"Oh, come on, Elphie, indulge me. It does make me feel better. And don't put that shade of navy with black unless you want me to be irritated with you all day."

Elphaba huffed as she put the navy sweater back in the closet. "Two weeks."

"Fine."

"And for Oz's sake, don't take up so much of the bed. I was sleeping in the corner the whole time."

Galinda grinned sheepishly. "Sorry." She sat up, a hint of concern tainting her face. "But ... Elphie. I know - well - if it does make things worse, us sharing a bed, you can cop out at any time. I just, you know, wanted to help."

Elphaba sighed and allowed her face to soften. "Yes, Glin. I know. I may sound harsh, but I'm mostly teasing." She held up a cardigan. "Now, does this gain your approval? Or must I start stressing about being late again?"

Galinda shook her head. "Nope." She got out of bed, running her hand through her hair as she did so, and took a white and blue sweater from the closet. "Take this instead. Black pants. Those shoes over there. I approve of that."

* * *

Despite her mixed feelings about the previous night's occurrences, the day went relatively well. She got one hundred percent on her Animal rights essay and she had been progressing well in Sorcery. She didn't know what it felt like to be proud of herself until she mastered the advanced levitation spell that had been puzzling her for weeks.

However, she should have realized just how much everything was going to change when Nessa approached her hesitantly and cautiously and couldn't find the words to articulate properly. She may be many things, but she was never speechless - which was one trait the sisters had in common.

"Elphaba," Nessa said slowly, "I was just ... just wondering, um, if you are aware that ... well ..."

Elphaba sighed. "What's going on? Please, be concise. I have to get to class."

Nessa swallowed. "Did you ever read that letter Father sent you a while ago?"

Elphaba's face blanched at the mention of his name and her voice grew frigid. "No. No, I didn't." Her breath hitched. "Why? What's the matter? Did you?"

"No! Well ... yes, but only the part that was for me," she said hastily. "There were two letters, one for you, one for me, but that's not important - um ..."

"Spit it out, Nessa." Elphaba clutched the tattered handle in stiff fingers. "What is it? What does he want?"

She shook her head. "No, he's ... um ..."

"Nessarose!"

"Here!" Her voice tensed and she pulled out another letter from her bag and shoved it toward her. "Just take it! Read it for yourself and stop yelling at me!"

Elphaba snatched it from her and yanked the letter out of the already torn envelope. She zipped through it with trembling hands, bypassing the note for Nessa, the scathing remarks, the common obscenities, and then she saw it. It was one sentence. Just one. But it instantly held control over her like a death penalty.

The letter fluttered out of Elphaba's grasp and Nessa managed to snag it before the wind could, but it wouldn't have mattered. She had seen all that she needed to.

"He's coming for me."


	9. Exaggeration

**Shorter chapter but things are going to start picking up in a bit. Things will get worse before they get better, but they will get better, I promise ;)**

 **Indy's Green Hat: Well, I am mean, so... :)**

 **Fae'sFlower: Sorry, no. He's too cruel to have a change of heart.**

 **PocketSevens: I'm glad you find it engaging and that you're willing to be patient! :) but ah, yes, Elphaba's life consists of setbacks. For now, at least.**

* * *

The ashen look on Elphaba's face didn't frighten Nessarose but rather seemed to make her uncomfortable. "Come now, Elphaba," she chided. "I know he doesn't ... um ... like you that much, but -"

"Doesn't like me that much?" The ironic urge to laugh tasted like metal in the back of Elphaba's throat. "Doesn't like me that much?! Really?"

Nessa began to sputter. "Well, I'm sure he won't give you more than a stern reprimand ..."

"Do you hear yourself?" Elphaba's eyes were wild, in the way that a cornered animal lashes out when threatened. "He doesn't like me, he despises me! He doesn't reprimand, he tortures! Oh, not like you would know, would you? You've never known anything but his sweet words, whereas all I've seen is the back of his hand!"

"Elphaba!" It didn't take her long to regain her voice. "This is why I didn't want to tell you! I knew you'd get carried away! I'm sure Father's punishments are not as bad as you say they are."

 _You worthless girl! You should have never been born!_

"You're just exaggerating like you always do!"

 _Spots of light exploded in her vision as knuckles collided with her jaw and sent her tumbling over the couch, hoping for death -_

Nessa gave a haughty sniff. "Perhaps hypersensitivity could be added to your list of deformities."

"You ignorant fool!" Venom punctuated each word as she shook with anger and something else. Fear? Magic? Sparks threatened to leap from her fingertips but were satisfied at the moment by throttling Nessa through her glare. For a moment, it appeared like she actually would, but then her seemingly invincible rage was fractured by the smallest of voice cracks. "How could you believe him?"

Nessa opened her mouth furiously to respond, but Elphaba was already gone.

* * *

She was running again. What from or where to, she didn't know. All she knew was that there was concrete pounding beneath the balls of her feet and voices were in her head again.

He was coming.

Of course he was coming.

But what did that mean? Would he pull her? Beat her? Surely not at Shiz, in public, in the open ...

Right?

Elphaba's feet slowed and came to a stop before she was even aware of it. It was only once she felt the rough bark of a tree pressing into her pounding head that she realized how far she'd come.

 _You're just exaggerating like you always do._

Elphaba dug her fingernails into the giant tree trunk, the world starting to spin, but his face was oh so crystal clear.

He was coming in fourteen days.

Hell was coming to her in fourteen days.

* * *

Tuesdays were the only days that Galinda did not share class with Elphaba. In the past, that had made it her favorite day, allowing her the privilege of not having to stand in the green girl's presence any longer than necessary. Now, however, she found it unpleasant not to be around her - even if, when they were together, they only sat in silence. Something about her was just reassuring sometimes. Or at least, it used to be.

Nevertheless, she was excited for Elphaba's final class of the day to be over so they could talk. Perhaps at that new restaurant in town, but it did have a bar ... maybe Elphaba would still agree to go, despite her aversion to alcohol for some reason ...

"I don't know why you put up with her!"

Galinda began to turn but soon found it entirely unnecessary as Nessarose wheeled up beside her with surprising speed. Her eyes sparked with bitter anger as she spat out every word like it was poisonous. "She is a rude, selfish, attention-seeking brat! How you stand her is entirely beyond me!"

"Um ..." Galinda cleared her throat. "I'm sorry, who?"

The dirty look she received was enough to rival Elphaba's. "My sister, of course! Who do you think?" Nessa slowed to a stop and crossed her arms, chest heaving from the effort. "All it took was a letter from Father and it sent her off into this ... this ..." She waved her arms obscurely. "fit! Oz, she's so _sensitive_ sometimes!"

Galinda's breath caught in her throat. There had been a letter from Elphaba's father before, right? One she had been ever so defensive about ... one she had started to panic over ... "What was in the letter? Why did she react like that?"

Nessa halted, obviously taken aback by the sudden intensity of Galinda's tone. "I, well, he's never been that nice to her, but I, ah, skimmed over the letter and he's coming here to Shiz because of her."

Galinda took a breath. There was meaning behind that, she knew it, but what was it? Exactly? "And you said she had a fit? Why?" Fit. What kind of fit? Her chest clamped tighter and just like that it was 3 am again and the walls were bleeding and Elphaba's eyes were glassy and still, like a lake after a storm -

"Where is she now?" She was too busy keeping her heart in her chest to notice Nessa gripping her wheelchair cautiously. "Where did she go? Nessa, tell me!"

"I don't know!" Nessa's breathing patterns stuttered. "Towards the Great Oak Tree, maybe? Or back towards Crage Hall? I don't know! Why is everyone yelling at me for no reason?" She shivered. "I did nothing! She's just -"

But her last words were delivered to thin air and an empty sidewalk.


	10. Strength

**Indy's Green Hat: Apologies for the wait. I hope you brought snacks to entertain yourself in the meantime.**

 **jacethepotato: Thank you so much, friend. Your comment (and your username) made my day.**

 **And thank you to all of the reviewers. You guys make me happy. As a gift for waiting so long since the last update, here's _Voices_ 's longest chapter so far :)**

* * *

The Great Oak Tree was closest.

It was also close to Suicide Canal, but Galinda chose not to think about that.

The wind tore at her as she flew, no, ran, down the sidewalk, across the grass - did she lose a heel? Pass an acquaintance? Were there even people out walking right now? She couldn't tell. She only wished she could go faster.

She didn't even know if she'd find Elphaba at the tree. If she didn't, she just lost ten precious minutes - but, then again, it was only the dorm room. Wouldn't she be more capable of doing something worse out here?

 _3 am. Glassy eyes. Blood in the kitchenette._

Galinda cringed. Maybe not.

"Elphaba!" She was surprised at how calm her voice sounded. There was only a hiccup of the pain, of the panic she was feeling. Like the tip of an iceberg. "Elphaba!" But she always had been good at pretending. Was she really so good that it was now automatic? "Elphaba, please! Elph -"

It was just a flash, a glimpse of green and navy from behind the rich brown bark of the oak tree, but Galinda knew instantly. The verdigris lump pressed against the trunk stirred slightly as she approached, almost like it could sense her presence and was trying to scurry away from it. Galinda rounded the gigantic tree, gasping, practically collapsing in a skinned-knee mess beside Elphaba.

Elphaba was curled into a tight knot of fingers and dirt and fabric, her eyes scouring the horizon for something unseen. Her breathing was faster than normal, but compared to all of the other times Galinda had seen her in distress, she was relatively still. Eerily still.

"What are you doing here?" She turned to look at her, eyes blank but words clear. "Why were you looking for me?"

Galinda tried to respond, but her tongue felt and moved like a giant slug. She could only allow an unintelligible _mmpfh_ between frantic breaths.

Elphaba blinked several times before concern flitted over her features. "Galinda, are you okay?"

"Y-yes ..." She coughed several times, trying not to wheeze. "I'm ... not used to ... running ..."

"Why were you? I'm fine." Elphaba's voice was flat and dull. Too dull. Galinda gave her a withering look. "Elphie, you should ..." she coughed again, "... know by now that I ... know the difference between ... 'fine' ... and not fine ..."

Elphaba twitched, but nothing more in her face gave anything away.

Galinda, having regained more of her vocal capacity, cut her off before she could inevitably insist on lying. "I met your sister, I know ... I know something happened. Something's wrong."

Elphaba flinched again, but it crept to her face this time. "No, nothing's wrong," she said. A bitterness reached through her eyes and tugged at the corners of her mouth, pulling it into an odd smirk. "After all, I'm only exaggerating."

"Elphaba Thropp, stop that ... this instant!" Galinda took a deep breath, mopped her forehead, and glared at her. "You are NOT fine. I know there's something you're not telling me, and I know ... it has something to do with your father coming to Shiz!"

The green girl's body reacted before she did, jerking violently of its own will. Elphaba drew a ragged breath and pulled her arms gingerly in towards her chest, coming down on her lip so hard Galinda could almost taste the blood herself.

"Please," Galinda murmured, sliding carefully closer to her. "let me help you."

No answer.

" _Elphie_."

"And what is there for you to do?" Elphaba didn't move, and if Galinda wasn't watching her carefully, it wouldn't have looked like she spoke. "He is coming. He can't be stopped. There's no way to change this."

"There's no way I can help unless I know what happened. Why he scares you this much." She reached out and brushed Elphaba's slightly exposed hand with her fingertips only to have her pull away. "Elphie, please." Her breath hitched and voice quieted. "You have to trust me."

Seven painful, eternal seconds ticked by until a pair of shattered dark brown eyes met the strained pale blue ones. A stretch of silent connection walked a tightrope between the two before finally, Elphaba coughed delicately. "Let's go somewhere quiet."

Galinda didn't know exactly what that meant, but it was the best she could hope for so far. She jumped up immediately. "Agreed. As long as we don't have to run."

Elphaba's mouth twitched into a quiet smirk for a moment before fading into nothing.

Galinda's dropped too. "Lead the way," she whispered soberly.

* * *

One silent fifteen-minute walk later, Galinda found herself in the last place she imagined she'd be and yet, at the same time, she wasn't surprised - a musty, forgotten corner of a library.

"This is where I go to think," Elphaba said almost shyly, like she was displaying a project for approval. "I feel safe here."

The innocence of that statement made Galinda choke up, but she nodded, clearing her throat. "It's perfect." She glanced around and sat in one of the chintz armchairs, finding it rather comfortable, albeit dusty. "I didn't know this was in the library."

Elphaba shook her head, relaxing ever so slowly every moment she spent here. "No one does." She gradually chose a loveseat, curling into herself again absentmindedly as she sank into it. "I doubt even the librarian bothers with it anymore. It's old. But I don't get pestered."

Galinda nodded carefully, turning to look at her in gentle anticipation, not wanting her to forget the reason they had hidden in some corner of Shiz's library. And it was clear she hadn't. She had just been avoiding it.

Elphaba squirmed under Galinda's eye, a slight blush peeking from under her cheekbones, and Galinda marveled at the sight of it. Elphaba - abashedly uncomfortable?

"Elphie?"

The green girl licked her lips. "This isn't easy," she whispered.

"I know."

"Hardly easy, actually. Easy is the farthest thing from it."

"But you are strong, Elphie."

"Am I?"

"Yes."

Elphaba shivered, tugging on her sleeves like it was a habit. "You have to ask me questions. I can't - I can't do it unless you ask me questions. Short, please."

Galinda swallowed hard, not knowing where to begin. She felt so out of place here in Elphaba's sanctuary, like she was invading her privacy. And she was, but it was necessary. Right?

Elphaba's steadily quickening breaths and slightly trembling hands were not lost on her, but she asked anyway.

"Why does the thought of your father coming frighten you so?"

"Too broad. Try again."

Galinda chewed her lip in frustration. "Did he hurt you?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"Everywhere."

"When?"

"Always."

The blonde shut her eyes for a moment. "Elphaba. Please. If you don't want me to be broad with my questions, don't be vague with your answers."

Elphaba's knees had somehow found her chest and turned her into a ball of fabric again. For a moment, Galinda thought she would retreat into herself once more, but she only nodded.

"How did he hurt you?" Galinda pressed, ever so gently, ever so delicately. She wasn't sure herself if she wanted to know, but curiosity and concern were simply too powerful forces.

The green girl made a noise - a whimper? A grunt? A snarl? - and stared mindlessly at the grubby bookshelves.

"He hates me. Always has, always will. It's cause of my mother and sister. He doesn't think I should be here. He wishes I wasn't here."

That, at least, Galinda knew. Elphaba had let that slip long ago, but that's all she had been told.

"He was okay when ... when Mama was still alive." The way Elphaba said that one word made Galinda's heart fracture. Mama. _Mama_. It was such a simple, innocent, sweet term of endearment to come out of her mouth - and the way she said it, like it was precious, a prized possession ...

"He wasn't nice to me, but he ignored me. I don't remember much of it, only me hating it." She gave a dry chuckle. "I wish I could go back to those days. I cannot tell you how much I eventually longed for his ignorance."

Galinda took a cautious breath. "What happened after that?"

Elphaba glanced at her for a moment. "Mama died," she said flatly. "Nessa was born, Mama died, and it was all my fault. He didn't like that. Not one bit. He would punish me a lot. For big things, little things, and after a while, everything."

Disgust swelled Galinda's tongue, hampering her usually flawless ability to speak. "What ... what did he ..."

Elphaba inhaled slowly but jaggedly as she clutched herself tighter, now fascinated with the patterns of the loveseat she had curled up in. Galinda watched her nails scrape over the armrest, her thigh, her palms, as if they were trying to find a good place to dig. It was unnerving.

"He struck me, across the face, usually. He would send me to my room without meals a lot. He would scream at me." She paused. "But that I could bear. That I could ignore."

Galinda opened her mouth to prod again but found she didn't have to.

"I was eleven, practicing magic in the living room while he was out and Nessa was asleep." Her speech increased in speed steadily as she went on as if she thought that would help her stay calm. "I had just discovered my abilities and though they were difficult to control, I wanted to try to learn how. There were several library books about it. I was teaching myself. And improving. But Father didn't ... well, wouldn't have liked it, so I hid it from him." She coughed, a quiet blanketing her voice, almost muffling it, so Galinda could hardly hear, though she was merely six feet away. "He came home drunk. I didn't hear him. He came into the room while I was levitating a vase and scared me so badly I dropped it. It shattered. I screamed. So did he."

Chills toyed with Galinda's spine.

"He moved faster than I'd ever seen and before I could ... do anything he was on top of me." She was quivering, eyes staring at nothing. Galinda knew she was there, in her past, in her mind, and the fear that this was making things worse was destroying the blonde slowly. "I was a rag doll in his hands. He was throwing me, punching me, I don't even know, I just know that it hurt, and I called him 'Daddy', and he said 'never again, you stupid girl!'"

Galinda didn't realize she was crying until she felt the tears sliding quietly down her face. She had heard enough, she wanted Elphaba to stop, opened her mouth to beg her to stop, but she was too late. Elphaba's voice was growing in intensity along with her breathing and she gripped the loveseat like it was a lifeline.

"So I didn't, I listened, I crawled to my room when he told me to, after he was done, and I cried, I couldn't sleep properly for days because of the bruises, but no one was allowed to know, they all thought I had gotten beat up by a neighborhood bully because my father said so." Elphaba inhaled sharply. "I didn't do magic ever again but it didn't matter, that moment had opened up a world of new tortures to him and he would threaten me with it daily and over the years would follow through on those threats ... mostly drunk, sometimes sober ... sober was the worst because he - he knew what he was doing, what he was saying." Elphaba's voice chipped. "He pressed me into mirrors and reminded me how hideous I am. He encouraged me to kill myself. He took genuine pleasure in watching me beg him for mercy. And all the while he doted on Nessa, who never knew, never understood, always believed his excuses, just like everybody else, like every other blind fool in Munchkinland!"

She was starting to hyperventilate. Galinda's eyes widened in fear. "Elphie -"

"I tried to die several times, I hated myself, I wanted to be away from him, from it all, but it never worked! And he was so disappointed." Her eyes widened. "That's why I came here, partly, I could be away from him, safe, but now he's - he's -"

Galinda moved to the loveseat in an instant but Elphaba twisted away from her, genuine terror in her eyes.

"He's coming here, he's coming to hurt me again, I have to go -" Elphaba stood up, swaying unsteadily on her feet, looking frantically for a way out. "He'll find me - please -"

"Elphaba!" Galinda leaped to her feet and stood in front of her, desperately trying to get her attention, to bring her unfocused eyes back to the safe reality. She reached to take her hand, but Elphaba jerked violently at the slightest hint of human contact, falling back into the loveseat, breathing so erratically Galinda felt certain she'd never gain Elphie back again. "Please. Listen." She swallowed her own fears and focused on breathing. "It's me, Glin. Not your father. I won't hurt you. I promise."

Elphaba didn't calm but didn't run. Not yet.

"Everything's going to be okay. Just focus on me." She took a step closer, tentatively sitting down next to her. "Focus right here. I'm right here."

The green girl shivered fiercely, tears covering her eyes in a glassy sheen, and she looked like she could be eleven years old again. Galinda inhaled sharply, speaking thickly through the massive lump in her throat.

"I won't hurt you. I promise you're safe." She took Elphaba's hand and held on, though she twitched and tugged halfheartedly in refusal. "Please, Elphie. Come back. Focus on me."

Watching her best friend struggle to breathe when all she could do was hold her hand was easily the toughest thing she had witnessed her whole life. Elphaba's words still echoed hauntingly in her head and she could see it, and oh, how she desperately didn't want to.

"Glin."

Galinda's gaze snapped back up to her. Elphaba was sweaty and exhausted and her eyes looked dead, but here. She was here. "Glin, I'm sorry."

The blonde sighed shakily, brushing the tears from her face and hugging Elphaba tightly. She realized too late that that was probably a bad idea, but the green girl merely stiffened before slumping against her, trembling. "I'm sorry I did that, I'm sorry I'm not stronger, Glin, I -"

"No, Elphaba," Galinda whispered, hiccupping as fresh tears trudged over her cheeks. "You are the strongest, most beautiful person I have ever known. _I'm_ sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve it."

"I didn't?"

"No," Galinda said fiercely, holding her tighter. "You didn't."


	11. Research

**Hello, friends! I have returned with a somewhat filler chapter. Thank you everyone for your reviews, but PocketSevens, your long review made my day. I don't know if you posted a longer one prior that got deleted, but I think you broke my email. ;)**

* * *

Elphaba hadn't moved from the moment they got back to the dorm.

From the bathroom doorway, Galinda watched her sit on the floor in silence with a large book in her hands, her back pressed against Galinda's bed frame. She'd been frozen like that for hours.

The capsule in Galinda's hands felt out of place, unnatural. She hated it. She hated what it represented, what it meant, what it could do. She had promised herself she wouldn't let Elphie take these unless she absolutely had to, due to their addictive nature, but this was necessary ... right?

"Elphie."

Elphaba's eyes lifted, devoid of all emotion. Galinda was surprised for a moment she recognized her own name.

"I think you should take this."

Her head followed as she uncurled herself, peering at the container in Galinda's hands. A wry smile flickered across her face. "Ah. Tonight's inevitable suffering is enough to warrant the pills in your eyes?"

Galinda tried not to blush as she shook her head. "Elphaba, have mercy on me. You would take them every night if you could."

"You're not wrong." Carefully, she pushed herself to her feet, her book falling carelessly to the floor. "And who knows? Maybe after you experience sleep uninterrupted by my tossing and turning, you might want me to take them every night as well."

Galinda glared at her. "Not true. Addiction to sleeping pills is real, Elphaba, and that's the last thing you need. This is just for tonight. You ..." she bit her lip. "you deserve one night of rest. After all that's happened."

Elphaba merely held out her hand. Galinda sighed and, opening the lid, handed her two sleeping pills. Elphaba smiled. "Thank you."

Galinda nodded. "You're welcome, I suppose. But just for this one night, remember."

"Of course."

The pills disappeared down Elphaba's throat in short order and she sat down on the bed with a sigh. "I have fifteen minutes," she said flatly. "I've taken these before, I know the drill."

Galinda lowered herself across from her on the edge of the other bed. "Would it help to turn the lights off and get in bed now? Or wait?"

"Wait. I want to wait until I know it'll work." A shadow passed over her face.

"Has it not worked before?" Galinda asked quickly.

Elphaba hesitated. "No. I just really don't want to risk it."

"Oh. Okay."

They sat in uncomfortable silence. For once, Galinda was unsure of what to say that she hadn't said already. There was no more reassuring, pleading, comforting that could be done. There was nothing she could do. Ultimately, recovery was in Elphaba's hands. That thought killed her. She had reached the end of her ability. She had been there. She had stayed up with her. She had even held her on occasion. But there was nothing more she could do. She was useless.

Well, almost.

She had one more trick up her sleeve, one last, faint idea, struggling for breath but still very much alive. She had no other choice. She'd have to -

"Are you okay?" Elphaba had leaned forward, her voice softer as she looked at Glin inquisitively.

Galinda's head snapped up. "What? Oh, yes, of course," she said immediately. "Why? Do I not look okay?"

Elphaba shook her head. "No, you look fine, you just ... I don't know, didn't seem to be ... well, here. Present. If that makes sense."

"No, that makes sense, I think. I'm fine. Just tired."

Elphaba's eyes narrowed, before fluttering for a moment. She yawned, and Galinda smiled. "Look at that! You're five minutes early. Maybe you don't know the drill as well as you thought."

Elphaba chuckled. "Perhaps not. Or I'm just more exhausted than I planned."

"Maybe." Galinda stood. "There were a couple things I wanted to do before I turned out the lights, but I can save them for tomorrow morning if you wanted -"

"No," Elphaba waved a hand, "no, that's fine. Go ahead. Do what you want."

Galinda nodded and started tidying. It was the only thing she could think of. She had to do something, at least until Elphaba was out.

So she organized her shoes, dusted lampshades, and cleaned her vanity, ever so aware of Elphaba's curious eyes following her until she looked over mid-separation of lipstick by color to find her completely asleep.

Galinda waited several seconds. Tiptoed over and waved a hand in front of her face. Nothing.

Perfect.

As quietly as she could, she slipped on shoes, a sweater, and slipped out the door. She felt terrible leaving Elphaba, but she knew that the nightmares would have a hard time breaking through the stupor of the sleeping pills. She'd be fine. She hoped. Besides, she couldn't have the green girl know of her destination - she'd never live it down.

The library was irritatingly quiet, more than usual. At least during the day, you could make out soft whispers, hushed giggles, footsteps and turning pages. At midnight, there was nothing. Not a sound. It gave Galinda shivers. But she had to do this. She was running out of options.

She knew what she was looking for. It was just a matter of where.

It took her thirty minutes to find it. She almost gave up. But then, in one corner that she felt like she passed eighty times, she saw it.

 _Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders._

It was gigantic. Galinda cringed as she lifted the dreadful, heavy thing off of the shelf.

 _For Elphie,_ she reminded herself.

 _The answer to our problems has to be in here,_ she thought as she plopped down at a desk and turned on a lamp. _It's clear that whatever's wrong with Elphie is in that twisted, brilliant head of hers._

So she found the index (she at least knew what that is) and began searching. Lucky for her, the symptoms were briefly listed next to the disorders, and it didn't take her long.

Anxiety. _She does get panic attacks, but caused by what? It has something to do with her father ..._

Depression. _That sounds about right, but not entirely._

Schizophrenia. _No, Elphie doesn't hear voices. She'd have told me about that. Wait - does she hear voices? Oh, never mind. I'll ask her later._

Galinda kept leafing through it, ignoring the sensation of weights tugging on her eyelids and dust settling in her nose, making her want to sneeze. She couldn't stop until she found something - anything.

Over half of the index was gone now. What time was it? One? One thirty?

Paranoid Personality Disorder. _Mm ... not quite._ Parkinson's Disease. _No._ Pedophilic Disorder. _Oz, I certainly hope not._ Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Galinda paused, blinking bleariness away, her attention caught by a word in the description. Flashback.

Quickly, she devoured the information.

 _Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal that involved grave physical harm or threatened harm, such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Symptoms include apathy, depression, anxiety and nightmare-like flashbacks triggered by memories or objects related to the incident(s)._

Galinda's heart stuttered. This was it. This had to be it.

Perfect.

Quickly, she found the page for PTSD and began reading until the words blurred together and she couldn't see. Her head hurt. Her eyes burned. All she wanted to do was sleep. But she couldn't. _For Elphie. For Elphie ..._

With a gasp, her head shot up from where it had been pressed against the pages of the book and it took her several seconds to figure out what had happened. She was reading. And she fell asleep.

Her breath quickened. How long had she been out? What if someone had seen her like this? What if Elphie was awake and panicking?

In an instant she was up, swaying precariously but holding her own as she bent the page corner and shut the book. She'd take it, research a bit more, but she was certain she had found what she was looking for. Elphaba had this PTSD, she was sure of it.

Now she just had to find a way to cure it.


	12. Cost

***sheepishly appears from nowhere* hello, friends. It feels good to be back.**

 **I'm sorry for my ridiculously long and unforgivable hiatus. To those who have stuck with this story, thank you. I applaud you. You're the whole reason why I don't quit now. And we're _so_ close to the end. To those who just arrived, greetings! Hopefully you won't ever have to wait as long as the diehards do! ;)**

 **Enjoy the longest chapter I've written yet.**

* * *

No one noticed the difference in Elphaba because, outwardly, she didn't change.

She was as sullen and standoffish as always, responding in sarcastic fire to any low jabs from classmates like she usually did. When she wasn't studying obsessively she was reading just as much, which wasn't unusual. To the outsider, Elphaba Thropp had made a full recovery from her suicide attempt.

To Elphaba herself, however, she was numb.

The threat of her father's impending arrival loomed over her like a death sentence, but she had quickly realized how foolish it was to obsess over that. He was coming. No amount of worrying would stop him. So she distracted herself, with books and facts and Galinda, sometimes, when she was there - which was getting rarer and rarer these days. She just kept disappearing - to where, Elphaba had no idea. She would throw on a sweater and a smile and promise to be back in an hour or so. Elphaba assumed she was meeting with friends, which was fine. Elphaba wasn't her only friend, she knew, so yes. Fine. All fine.

But perhaps not quite.

Elphaba was sitting alone, naturally, on a bench in a shady part of campus when someone huffed, presumably to get her attention. She looked up, instinctively expecting Galinda, but was instead faced with Pfannee, a glare twisting her somewhat pretty features.

"Can I help you?" said Elphaba flatly.

"What have you done to Galinda?" Pfannee spat, crossing her arms.

Elphaba laughed. "My dear Pfannee, I thought we were past the usual tripe. My green is not contagious and, unfortunately, neither is my intelligence. What a shame." She smirked, a teasing tone gracing her voice if one was observant enough to notice, which Pfannee was definitely not. "Galinda could use a little more of the latter."

Pfannee's expression remained as girlishly stony as before, if that were possible. "Not that, vegetable. She's been refusing to spend time with us lately, always claiming she has something 'important' to do. But what's more important than us? We're her friends!" She took a deep breath. "It's clear _you've_ done it. Milla swore she saw her going into the _library_ the other day. The library! That's practically social suicide."

"The library?" Elphaba asked, momentarily too bewildered to be sarcastic.

"Of course, the library!" Pfannee frowned. "You've - you've - PEER PRESSURED her into studying!" Her beady, mascara-encrusted eyes narrowed as she dared to step closer. "Get her to come out of there -"

"She hasn't been with you?" Elphaba interrupted.

"Of course she hasn't, why else -" Pfannee stuttered to a stop, observant enough to interpret the confused look on Elphaba's face. "You didn't know about that?"

"No," said Elphaba drily, but her mind was spinning. Galinda hadn't been with her friends? "But, good for her. Perhaps she's finally picked up the motivation to make something of her life." _But that's not it. What is she doing?_

Pfannee twisted her lips into an ugly pout. "What are you trying to say, Miss Elphaba?"

Elphaba stood, tucking her book under her arm and fixing Pfannee with a chilled stare. "Would you look at that, the vegetable has a name. Now if you would excuse me, I have better things to do than discuss Galinda's hobbies. If you have a problem, take it up with her."

"I've tried! She won't listen!" Pfannee cried after her, but Elphaba had already turned her back.

* * *

Elphaba never thought she'd enter a library looking for Galinda, but life had always had a funny quality to it.

She hardly knew where to start, even. She checked all the popular study spots, walked down the pop magazine aisle (several times), and even glanced in her special, dusty little corner, but there was no sign of her blonde roommate.

With a sigh, she turned back. Galinda was probably back in the dorm, and while she was here, she might as well return the book she was holding - it was a reread and, frankly, she was getting rather bored of it.

She was rifling through her novel as she headed to the counter, searching for any stray bookmarks, when she ran into something. Her book tumbled out of her hands and she looked up, about to either spit out an angry remark or mumble an apology when she came eye to eye with a crystal blue she knew so well.

Galinda looked exhausted. Her hair, usually meticulously styled, was in a messy bun; her makeup light and hurried; her eyes, wide and wearied; her face, already tinted pink from bumping into someone, flushed darker at the sight of Elphaba.

"Oh," was all she seemed to be able to say, her face cherry red now as she lowered the books she was holding, her hands sliding subtlely to hide the titles.

Elphaba shook her head, the tiniest of smiles on her face as she bent down to pick up her book. "Well, look at you," she said awkwardly, chuckling as she tried to pierce the odd silence, "coming into a library without my insistence? I must be rubbing off on you."

Galinda laughed, but it was awkward and forced. "I suppose so." She turned. "Give me a second, I'll just - um - put these -"

"What did you get?" asked Elphaba, coming around in front of her, trying to peer at the titles. "Looks like something a little more substantial than _The Ozmopolitan_."

Galinda shook her head. "Oh, no - I mean, yes, it's more substantial, I guess, but really - it's not a big deal -"

"Oh, come on, Glin, no need to be ashamed -"

"I'm not, Elphie, but -"

"- it's just a book, after all -"

"Yes, I'm well aware, but -"

"Shhh!"

The two girls spun to face the librarian, glaring at them from behind the counter. "Sorry," Galinda said courteously, offering her a strained smile and quickly dropping the books in the counter's return slot before Elphaba could see them.

Elphaba's eyebrows came together, and concern flickered across her face - the first sign of truly felt emotion in a while. "What's the matter with you?" she whispered.

Galinda shook her head. "Later. Let's just ... let's leave, please."

Elphaba ducked her head in acknowledgment, silently dropping her books in the slot as well before heading towards the dorm, checking back every so often to ensure Galinda was following.

It was as soon as the door was shut that Elphaba spoke. "I don't mind you going to the library, at all," she said quietly, "but why lie to me about it?"

Galinda chewed her lip as she walked carefully into the room, meticulously avoiding Elphaba's penetrating gaze. "I knew you wouldn't like it," she said softly. "That's why I lied."

Elphaba shook her head. "Like what?"

"Like what I was doing." Galinda turned ever so slightly, shooting her a tired look before sitting on the edge of her bed. "I was researching ways to help you."

Elphaba closed her eyes for a moment, a small sigh escaping her lips. Of course she had. Of course she was sacrificing her social status for this. Of course.

"How did you even find out where I was going, anyway?" Galinda asked quickly.

"Pfannee," said Elphaba simply, sitting down on the end of her bed. "She approached me. She had noticed your sudden preference for the books' company rather than hers, and she seemed to be concerned about the fact that you were committing social suicide."

Elphaba was very aware of the flinch that shuddered through Galinda's body at that word.

"Which," she continued, "you should be more worried about than you are, and I'm shocked that you don't seem to be concerned about this. At all."

"That's because I'm not," Galinda replied heatedly. "This is more important!"

"Is it?" said Elphaba quietly. "Is it really?" She stood carefully. "Glin, I know how hard you worked to get where you are, and I know that it's useful to you. I can't believe that I'm telling you this," she shook her head, taking a step toward her, "but you need to spend some time with them. Or do something."

Galinda chuckled. "I'm sorry, Elphie, but you're sounding a little hypocritical." She moved too, to lean against the kitchenette's doorframe, arms crossed as she stared at her roommate. "Haven't you been telling me that they're shallow, they're stupid, that I need better company? Haven't you been telling me that there are better things to care about?"

"Yes, but I'm not one of those things!" Elphaba shook her head violently. "You are sacrificing your entire self on the altar that is my sanity. I won't have it."

"But it will make you better, Elphaba!"

"You don't know that." Elphaba took a deep breath, closing her eyes against the world for a moment. "He is coming. There is nothing you can do to stop him." She fixed her weary gaze on her again. "I'm sorry, Glin. This is it. This is the end. And I don't want -" she paused, feeling the familiar lump trying to rise, but she wouldn't let it. She coughed to clear her throat. "I don't want our last days at Shiz together to be clouded by this. It's a futile process."

"No." Galinda lifted her chin defiantly, eyes smoldering at that. "I refuse to believe what you just said is true."

Elphaba marveled for a moment at how intimidating the small blonde could actually look.

"I'm not trying to stop him from coming," she said bluntly, "I'm trying to help _you_ get ready to face him."

Her words hung in the silence for a moment before falling amidst Elphaba's bitter laughter. "You say 'face him' like I'm actually going to put up a fight."

Galinda didn't falter. "You don't have a choice. If you don't fight back, he wins."

"Don't you get it?" Elphaba's jaw tightened. "He's already won. Even if I did want to challenge him, I couldn't. I can barely speak about him, much less look at him and tell him - tell - it doesn't matter. He has the authority to remove me from this school and take me home anyway. There's nothing I could do."

"Does he?" said Galinda softly, her eyes glowing. "Does he really?" Moving elegantly like a cat, she slid forward. "You're a legal adult, Elphaba. With practically a full scholarship."

"Practically, he still pays for -"

"Pays for what? Your room and board? You could easily work and pay that off."

"No one would hire me."

Galinda rolled her eyes. "Oh, hush. You're friends with me. I could get you a job." She grinned. "You are technically supposed to inherit the governorship once he dies, so he could use that as a way to try to force you to return, but to do that he'd have to admit that you're going to be governor. Which, from what I understand, he won't do."

Elphaba swallowed hard, eyes drifting over Galinda's as she thought. "I don't even think I'm legally his heir anymore," she murmured. "I think he made Nessa the one to be governess soon after she was born. Better a cripple than a girl born green."

"See?" Galinda threw up her hands. "This plan's practically foolproof. All you've got to do is be able to look him in the eye and tell him -"

"That he has no power over me," finished Elphaba flatly, before shutting her eyes again and collapsing onto the edge of the bed. "Oh, Oz."

Galinda's intensity softened slightly and she came forward, sitting beside her. "Elphie, I know it'll be hard, but I believe in you. You're the strongest person I know."

Elphaba chuckled miserably. "Then you need to get to know the people around you better. Glin, I can't do this."

"Would you rather go back to him? Back to that life?"

Elphaba swallowed roughly. Her stomach had been knotting itself through this entire conversation, but she wasn't breaking. Not now. Not yet. "Of course not," she hissed. "But you don't understand -"

"Oh, I do understand," said Galinda intensely, a smile twisting her mouth. "I do. That's why I've been in the library all this time, Elphaba. So I can better understand you. And I have. You have post-traumatic stress disorder."

Elphaba blinked in surprise, the trembles starting to wrack her spine pausing as she took in Galinda's exhaustedly excited expression. "What?"

"Post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD." Galinda took a breath, sitting up straighter. "It stems from one or a series of traumatic events, obviously, and leaves the survivor with anxiety, depression, and flashbacks that come in the form of nightmares or hallucinations, usually triggered by something related to the traumatic incident." She leaned forward, smiling again. "Doesn't it fit you perfectly?"

Elphaba couldn't deny that. "Yes, I suppose," she said slowly, not sure how to handle this new, fact-spouting, intense Galinda, "but why are you so excited?"

"Because now that it has a name," stated Galinda, "we can figure out how to fight it. Obviously, you're _supposed_ to go to therapy, but we don't have time for that. Later. But not now. So we're going to get you to reprocess your memories."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Reprocess your memories," explained Galinda patiently. "It's going to be painful, but worth it. You have to recall memories of the event or events and then save it to your memory again, but different. In a more triumphant light. Hopefully, this will change your perception of your relationship with your father from one of defeat to one of victory."

Elphaba stared at her, dumbfounded. She had heard every word, and it made sense, but to hear it coming from Galinda was strange. "I don't like this."

Galinda sighed. "I knew you wouldn't, that's why I was hiding it from you until the time was right." Her gaze quieted and she gently leaned forward again. "But this is our best bet."

Elphaba looked away, shaking her head. "I'll think about it tomorrow."

Galinda shrugged. "Fair enough. As long as you promise to think about it." She pulled her hand away and stood quickly, brushing her palms on her skirt. "We can talk about it more tom -"

She halted, staring straight ahead, eyes wide in concentration as she swayed ever so slightly.

Elphaba leapt to her feet right as Galinda collapsed. Arms outstretched, Elphaba managed to catch her, but only barely. The blonde's unexpected dead weight dragged Elphaba to her knees, cradling her on the floor.

"Glin!"

Elphaba's heart hummed with the powerful fear she had felt thousands of times before, but never quite like this. "Glin! Oz - Galinda!"

Galinda stirred, shaking her head, her breathing quick and erratic. "I - I'm sorry," she murmured, "I - I think I got lightheaded -"

"You think?" Elphaba hissed angrily, but she couldn't stop the relieved exhale from fleeing her mouth as she rested her face in Galinda's hair, her voice quieting several notches. "You scared me half to death."

Galinda chuckled weakly. "Payback," she teased half-heartedly before carefully pulling herself up to her knees. "I'm fine. Sorry. Like - like I said, just got lightheaded for a moment." She started to stand then paused, eyes widening again, before slowly lowering back down. "Okay, maybe a minute or so. But it'll pass."

Elphaba frowned. Slowly, she took Galinda by the elbows and helped her to the bed before she could resist. "When did you last eat?" she asked suspiciously.

"I -" Galinda paused, thinking. "After that - ah - I believe that it was - well -"

"You don't remember." Elphaba pressed her face into her hands. "Glin, please tell me you didn't starve yourself just so you could work on me. On your _project_."

Galinda looked away sheepishly.

With an exhausted huff, Elphaba spun on her heel towards the kitchenette. "For the love of Oz, Galinda!" Quite a bit of slamming reverberated through the dorm, making Galinda smirk despite her dizziness. "It's sweet that you're trying to help me, really, it is, but _honestly_ , woman, do you have no common sense? You could have hurt yourself! I mean, seriously hurt yourself! All for what? Me? That's the most idiotic reason you could possibly have! Besides a boy, of course." Her head popped out from the door, still wearing her indignant stare. "Are you listening to me?"

Galinda's head snapped up. "Of course, Elphie," she promised quickly.

Elphaba glared again before disappearing back into the kitchen. "This needs to stop. You can't not take care of yourself. Everything, your reputation, your physical health - you're running the risk of losing it all! I can't allow this to go on any longer."

She finally emerged, carrying a plate of sliced apples, peanut butter, and a hastily assembled sandwich. Still seething, she sat firmly next to Galinda and shoved the plate in her direction. "Eat."

Galinda bit her lip, clearly smothering a smile, and obeyed. After several seconds of silence, Elphaba glanced at her. "Were you consciously skipping meals?"

"No," answered Galinda around a mouthful of ham and cheese. "Not really. I knew I was hungry, but I kept putting it off and then forgetting about it."

The green girl wished her eyes could roll back further into her head. "It's redundant to reiterate at this point, but -"

"It was stupid, I know," muttered Galinda. "I was just trying to help."

"But you're hurting yourself!"

"Not really!"

"Yes, really," hissed Elphaba. "You're sounding just like me! 'Oh, I'm not hurting myself, not really, it's just a little cut!'"

Galinda stiffened and Elphaba's eyes widened as she realized what she just said. Coughing, a shame-filled blush coloring her neck, she immediately looked away. "Sorry, that was uncalled for. Um - but you need to take care of yourself, Glin. Please tell me you see that."

"I guess." Galinda bit into one of the apples, avoiding Elphaba's eye.

"Really?" pressed Elphaba.

"Really," Galinda sighed, "and I'll promise to take care of myself but only if you do, too."

"Deal."

"No, you don't understand," said Galinda, finally looking up at her. "Taking care of yourself includes not giving up on becoming better. My idea for how to face your father could help you become better, Elphie. Trust me. You have to trust me. That is the deal."

Elphaba's jaw clenched, but she nodded anyway.

"Fine. Deal."


	13. Promise

**Hello friends! It's good to see me, isn't it? ;)**

 **I want to know how many Wicked fanfiction authors have started their ANs with that. It's a horrible cliche, really, but I love it.**

 **Random question, but do any of you watch Stranger Things on Netflix? I'm kind of just a little obsessed.**

 **And, as always, thank you so much for your reviews. I squeal inwardly at each one.**

* * *

"Elphie, you're doing great."

Elphaba glared at Galinda through red-rimmed eyes. "Are you sure? Because I feel like more of a mess than when I started."

Galinda licked her lips. "Listen, it's always darkest before the dawn -"

"You know I don't like platitudes."

"Whatever." Galinda didn't bother to ask what _platitudes_ meant. "What I meant to say was it'll get worse before it gets better. Trust me. This isn't a small thing to overcome, but you're doing it. And honestly, I can see improvement."

Elphaba exhaled, smashing her face into her palms, her nails digging into her scalp. Improvement or not, this felt hellish. There was so much she hadn't remembered, that she had succeeded in blocking out, that had been brought to the surface by their little talks. This had only been their fourth and she was more than ready for it to be over.

Galinda opened her mouth to ask another question, but just then, the little clock on Elphaba's desk chimed softly, making the green girl's head lift. "It's been an hour," she said in exhausted triumph. "We're done for the day."

She'd been forced to limit Galinda as to how long she would question her. The first one had been a tearful two hours on both of their parts and Elphaba had insisted they limit it after that. Galinda obliged, thankfully.

"It's getting late anyway," said Galinda before her face fell. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have started so late, I forgot you had to sleep."

Elphaba snorted, but her response was gentler. "It's okay. I'll manage."

She watched as Galinda exhaled slowly, shutting her eyes for a moment before she pushed herself up from the bed. Elphaba bit her lip. These "sessions" were incredibly difficult for her, of course, but they were wearing Galinda down as well; that much was painfully obvious.

Carefully, she took in a giant gulp of air and let it out in soft spurts, the dimness of the room pressing on her chest. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled, and she resisted the urge to look over her shoulder, wishing the slight tremor in her body would subside. She knew he wasn't there. But the thought of it clenched her diaphragm anyway.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump violently before realizing foolishly who the gesture belonged to. "Sorry," she mumbled, but Galinda shook her head. "Stop apologizing. You're okay." She reached out again, and, prepared this time, Elphaba leaned into her touch. "Just breathe. You'll be alright."

Elphaba nodded slowly, yawning as she did so. "Remember what I said, Glin? No platitudes."

Galinda chuckled. "Whatever that is, I'm sure what I said wasn't one. I meant it." She pulled away gently. "You look exhausted, as you should be, and honestly, I am too." She hesitated. "Are you ready for sleep? I mean, do you - do you feel like -"

"Yeah, I'm okay." Elphaba inhaled, lifting her shoulders ever so slightly. "It's not too bad right now. Let me try to sleep. Besides -" she glanced at her bedside table, where a bottle of pills stood invitingly. "I can always take one of those if it gets bad."

Of course it'll get bad. Elphaba sucked in her breath carefully, as if she were trying to quell nausea. Honestly, she did feel more in control every time she and Galinda talked through this, but that did nothing for the anxiety. She stood, speaking before Galinda could comment in concern, as she undoubtedly would. "I'll get the light."

* * *

Was it possible to feel successful and miserable at the same time?

Galinda would have to say yes.

Hearing Elphaba relive her past was awful, in the strongest sense of the word. It made her sick. But she knew this was for her friend's good, and she could honestly see improvement. She was getting stronger.

But at what price?

Galinda tried not to think about it. As long as Elphaba succeeded - and she _knew_ she would - in resisting her father, this would all be worth it. Worth every sleepless night, every tear, every - well, everything.

She could tell that Elphaba was struggling, but she struggled every night. They both struggled together. If Elphaba woke up suddenly in the middle of the night due to a nightmare, which she probably would, Galinda would wake up too. She wasn't overly concerned. And she _was_ tired.

She fell into bed, the comforters swallowing her instantly and she sighed. The lights clicked off and she felt Elphaba slide in wordlessly next to her. The girls didn't touch - they never had, despite having shared a bed for weeks - yet still, Elphaba's presence was comforting, even if she did tend to take all the blankets for herself.

"Good night, Glin."

She hesitated, surprised to hear it first, but smiled softly as her eyelids fluttered shut. "Good night, Elphie."

Galinda didn't remember falling asleep. She remembered blinking blearily at the clock ticking steadily towards midnight, then looking to see it reading three am.

She hummed in annoyance and shut her eyes again, but she felt wide awake. Grunting, she rolled over to see if it would make anything better and found an empty bed.

Her eyes snapped open, and any sleepiness she may have retained vanished instantly. Pushing herself up to her elbows, she squinted around the room, fuzzy and dim in the darkness but outlines of everything still faintly visible. Elphaba's bed was ruffled and twisted, but also empty. Had she moved over there in the middle of the night without Galinda noticing?

Warily, she sat up, scanning her surroundings as best she could and strained to hear something, anything. The bathroom light wasn't on, there was no water running - the door was shut and Galinda was sure she saw the outline of Elphaba's boots by the door; Elphaba never left this room without her shoes, so she had to still be in the dorm -

The smallest of noises caught Galinda's attention and she inhaled sharply. Was that -

A sob. So soft and gentle, it could have been a child's.

Her eyes latched onto the kitchenette as her heart gave a painful lurch. There was nowhere else she'd be.

She was out of bed in an instant, swaying slightly at the sudden movement. She could hear the sobs growing louder and louder as she stumbled towards the kitchenette, heart thudding in her ears -

"Elphie?"

Curled next to the counter, the muted figure jumped at the sound, twisting as she did so that her back was to the blonde. "Galinda, go back to bed."

Galinda gripped the doorframe. "What's wrong? I heard crying."

Elphaba shook her head. "Nothing's wrong," she said, her voice empty but for a slight tremor that sent chills filling Galinda's body. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine," whispered Galinda, "otherwise you wouldn't be in the kitchenette at three in the morning."

"I was just hungry, okay!"

"Elphie, please," Galinda bit her lip, taking a cautious step forward, unable to stay still any longer. "I'm worried about you -"

"Thank you, but I'm fine, please go back to bed -"

"Elphaba, you know I won't do that." Galinda stepped towards her again, reaching for her. "I'll stay up with you if you had a nightmare -"

"No!" Elphaba snarled desperately, twitching away from her and peering over her shoulder. "Please, go back to bed! There's ... there's something I have to do. It's very important, I can't - I can't let you see it!"

Galinda inhaled suddenly and the room began to spin as she realized. "Elphaba." Her voice quaked. "Elphaba, turn around."

The green girl was trembling and she shook her head violently as she stepped away again. "Nothing. I'm hiding nothing. Nothing is going on -"

"Elphie -"

"Everything is - is -"

Galinda followed her in and turned to the counter, knowing now what she was going to see. Blood. Blood everywhere. Bile rose in her throat as her chest exploded and she stormed forward, reaching. She could stop this. She knew what was coming now, she could prevent it, she could -

Elphaba ran, stumbled, and fell, twisting, but Galinda knew this would happen; she lunged, screaming, knocking the knife out of her hand, but it was too late.

" _Elphaba_!"

Galinda scooped her up onto her lap, frantically wrapping her mutilated wrist in her nightgown as an attempt to stop the bleeding, but she only managed to soak her skirt. Elphaba watched her attempts with a blank, apathetic stare, her breathing slowing with every second. Galinda moaned as she looked at her friend, tears mingling with the blood as she pushed herself up, to run, get help -

"Wait."

Galinda froze, her shoulders shaking.

"Elphie?"

"Wait."

Her knees twitched and gave out, leaving her crumpled beside Elphaba as she struggled to breathe, a green hand clutching her pale one.

"It's useless."

Elphaba chuckled weakly.

"Don't get help. It's useless. You couldn't save me. No one else can."

Galinda gasped. Her voice was barely above a whisper and it took all her strength to steady her voice enough to form coherent sentences. "I'm sorry," she murmured, forcing the words out through a full throat. "I wanted to be more for you, I needed to be more for you, but ... but we can still fix this, please, Elphie, give me time, another chance, I ... I'm sorry ..."

"There's no point ... in being sorry. You did ... what you could ... and it wasn't ..." Elphaba took a breath, fighting to continue, but the words died on her lips. Her empty stare ravaged Galinda's soul as she screamed, clutching Elphaba's body, shaking it.

"Elphaba! _Elphaba_!"

The world melted around the two of them as she screamed, oblivious to everything but the smell of blood and limp skin beneath her fingers -

"Glin? Glin!"

Galinda turned to the body in demented hope, but it was gone - in its place, was - was - a pillow? - she couldn't think straight, her head ringing and mind blurring as her chest constricted upon itself and her face became a riverbed - this must be what it felt like to die -

"Galinda, please - look at me!"

The blonde's head snapped up as she felt something, someone, grip her gently by the shoulders. She shuddered, her dampened, blurry surroundings coming together to form a person, a green person, staring confused and concerned down at her as she cowered in the corner of the bed.

Galinda quavered, slumping. "You're alive," she mumbled breathlessly.

Elphaba blinked, leaning forward as she quickly let go of her shoulders. "Sorry, what?"

Galinda crumbled then, burying her face in her hands as she wailed softly, tears pouring from between her fingers and staining the bedspread, but she hardly noticed. "Oh, Elphie!" she whispered. "You were dead, I saw you die, you killed yourself and I couldn't stop you, I tried, Elphaba, I did, but you - you -"

Tentative hands brushed her arms again before gripping them more firmly, pulling her up. Galinda went willingly, burying her face in Elphaba's neck, clutching her so tightly. She couldn't let go. Not again.

She felt Elphaba wrap her arms around her protectively and rest her face on the top of Galinda's head. "Shh," she said, her voice cracking the faintest bit. "It's okay. I'm - I'm alive, I'm here still, it's okay. Everything will be okay."

But Elphaba's hushed affirmations were drowned out by _useless_ , bouncing in Galinda's head as she burrowed herself deeper to get away from this awful, terrible burning in her chest -

"Breathe," murmured Elphaba into her hair. "Breathe with me, alright? Listen. Inhale. Exhale."

Slowly, Galinda began to calm and the room came into focus once more. The first thing she noticed was that the clock read one forty-five am. The second was that she was coiled up in Elphaba's lap, arms around each other, and her stomach squirmed. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

She took a great shuddering breath and swiped across her eyes with the back of her hand, twisting to look up at Elphaba. The green girl lifted her head and looked down at her, eyes filled with a mix of emotions Galinda couldn't decipher. "Glin?" she asked softly. "What happened?"

Galinda chewed her lip and looked away. "I - I don't know," she replied shakily. "I think I had a nightmare." Her voice cracked. "But it was so real."

"I know." Elphaba's arms tightened slightly around her. "Tell me about it. If you can."

Galinda flinched, carefully extracting herself from Elphaba as she spoke. "It was three am, just like the night when you - when you first - um - and I woke up and you weren't there, and I was worried when I couldn't find you. I heard - I thought I heard crying - I got up and walked to the kitchenette and you were there - you had your back to me - you said -" Galinda shuddered again. "You said that you were fine but I knew you weren't, and I stepped in and saw the blood and smelled it and you turned around with that knife and blood all over you and you just fell and I - I couldn't do a thing -" She was tearing up again. "You called me useless - Oz, why am I so _useless_ -"

For the first time in a long time, Elphaba reached for her. "Listen to me," she hissed, cradling her face in her hands, forcing Galinda to look at her. " _Listen_. You are not useless."

"But -"

"You're not, do you hear me?" Elphaba's eyes widened and fingers shook. "You're not. Don't you understand, you -" Her words hitched and sputtered to an awkward pause. "You mean everything to me."

Galinda froze, but Elphaba moved to her shoulders, gripping her tighter. "Keep breathing, now. We'll do it together."

Subconsciously, Galinda reached for Elphaba's hands, clutching them. Inhale. Exhale. Her thumb moved carefully over Elphaba's wrist. No blood. Inhale. Just a scar. Exhale.

"Is it gone?"

Galinda looked up. "What?"

"Your dream." Elphaba leaned closer, examining her eyes as if searching for any trace of the nightmare. "Is it gone now?"

"I - I think so." Galinda nodded slowly as she spoke, her head drooping with the rest of her body as the exhaustion struck. This was worse than any hangover she could remember - her head was pounding, her chest ached, and the tingling of terror still lingered in the back of her skull.

A prickling coldness struck her as Elphaba got up. Galinda twitched and the panic reared its head, but it was fine. Elphaba was _right there_. She was fine.

"Is it like this every night?"

Elphaba stopped, bouncing on her heels slightly as she crouched in front of the open closet. "What do you mean?"

"For you." Galinda shivered. "Are all your nightmares like this?"

She didn't turn around, rummaging around on the floor for a few moments before answering. "If you're talking about the chills, headache, and horrible knot in your stomach, then yes. Unfortunately, that never seems to go away." She straightened, grasping something. "If you're talking about the vividness of the dream, then also yes. It's always realistic because it _was_ real, a long time ago, and still is to me. Here."

Galinda looked up to see Elphaba offering her a blanket, which she gratefully accepted, though she hated the way her hands trembled as she took it from her. The two sat silently together, Galinda clutching the musty blanket around her and Elphaba trying not to appear too concerned.

"Elphie?"

"Mm?"

Galinda swallowed roughly, her fingers twisting the tassels on the end of the blanket. "I'm sorry."

Elphaba sighed. "If you're going to apologize for having the nightmare, that's ridiculous and I don't accept it."

"But -"

"Save it, Glin. You can't help having nightmares. It's not your fault."

"But I'm supposed to be the one helping you." Galinda gave her a look. "And don't you fight me on that. I shouldn't be breaking." She gripped the blanket, pressing it angrily against her shoulders. "I'm letting you down."

Elphaba's lips tightened. "Galinda, your primary role is not to be my counselor or my therapist. You've been playing the parts pretty well, but that's not your purpose. Alright? You're my friend. From what I've seen, friends help _each other_. It's mutual. You have to let me help you as much as I - as I have to let you help me. And don't fight _me_ on that." Elphaba leaned forward. "You're putting too much pressure on yourself."

"But I want to help."

"And you are helping. You're helping more than you know. But you'll be able to help me the most as my friend."

Galinda knotted her fingers together. She hated feeling like this, feeling useless, but if that's what Elphaba said was best, maybe it was. Maybe. "Okay."

Elphaba's eyebrow arched. "For real?"

Galinda couldn't help but grin at her expression; it was so piercingly _Elphaba_. "Yes."

Elphaba shook her head. "What? Why are you laughing?"

Galinda bit her lip. "It's just - you made a face that was - I mean - you just look like a scary schoolteacher sometimes and it makes me smile."

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "I don't know how to respond to that. Except that I'm glad you're smiling."

"You're welcome."

For a moment, everything was normal. Both had missed seeing the other's grin and it was a comforting sight.

Elphaba stood. "Are you ready to go back to sleep? Or try to, anyway?"

Galinda licked her lips and nodded, slowly removing the blanket from around her shoulders. "Yes."

Never had darkness felt so heavy. Galinda took comfort from Elphaba's footsteps, but she still found herself waiting until she felt the bed lower to slide in.

Oddly enough, it wasn't the nightmare itself that was plaguing her. She could close her eyes without trouble and pull the blankets as tightly around herself as she wanted, but she couldn't sleep. Paranoia filled her head. Aware of every sound, she listened for any sign of movement, any indication that Elphaba had left the bed, and checked over her shoulder every five minutes to make sure she wasn't mistaken. It was stupid. But she couldn't stop.

After Galinda discreetly rolled to face Elphaba and back for the eighth time, Elphaba spoke. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Galinda tensed. "Yes," she said quickly. "Yes. Totally fine."

"Hm." Elphaba quieted for a moment and Galinda waited for the inevitable scolding but instead, the sheets rustled and Elphaba rolled over, wrapping her arm gently around Galinda's body. "Better?"

Galinda twitched in surprise at the unexpected gesture and Elphaba pulled her arm away immediately. "I'm sorry. I -"

"No, Elphie," Galinda said quickly. She scooted closer, chasing her arm until she found it, wrapping it around herself again. "It is better. Thank you."

The pillowcase rustled and Galinda could tell Elphaba had nodded. "Try to sleep now, okay? I'm not going anywhere." She hesitated for the briefest moment before hugging Galinda gently. "I promise."


	14. Cold

**To those that asked/may be wondering, no, they're not lesbian. I believe that friendships can be strong, solid, and passionate without being romantic, and I wanted to demonstrate that in my fanfiction. :)**

 **Nearing the end! I hope you all have enjoyed it, despite my ineptitude at posting in a timely fashion (and I hope you don't hate me TOO much for it).**

* * *

A quiet buzzing sliced through Elphaba's consciousness and she opened her eyes.

She had always hated Galinda's alarm; it felt like grating on her brain. Galinda knew that, and intentionally left it that way so she didn't have to get up to turn it off. Or at least, that was how Elphaba thought of it. Luckily, it wasn't far away. Elphaba rolled over and reached for it lazily with one hand, silencing it in one effective slap.

Galinda rolled closer at the noise, practically burying her face in Elphaba's shoulder and muttering something along the lines of "I don't wanna get up". Elphaba could do nothing but chuckle.

Galinda looked so peaceful after last night. The only evidence that anything went wrong was the old blanket from her closet curled up at the foot of her bed. Anything else - the bags under her eyes, the hollow look if she wasn't talking - Elphaba couldn't see from here, only the golden curls that somehow managed to remain pretty, even through a restless night.

Elphaba sighed and stared at the ceiling. This couldn't go on. It's no longer affecting her; it's deteriorating Galinda's mental health as well. Her problems were poison, bleeding into Galinda's life, and seemingly there was nothing she could do to stop it, as the blonde welcomed said problems in with open arms.

There was only one solution.

Elphaba swallowed hard. She had to win. She had to face him and conquer when he came in three days.

Three days.

Just the thought sent a shiver down Elphaba's spine, but she knew it was time. She couldn't run anymore; she was sick of it. Sick of running, sick of fear, sick of him. She had to fight, or at the very least, try.

Carefully, Elphaba slid her arm out from under Galinda and stood. Galinda mumbled in protest but didn't move as Elphaba reached for her glasses and set to work getting her clothes, checking the clock as she did so. She still had plenty of time before class.

"Glin," Elphaba admonished, having come out of the bathroom ten minutes later to find that she had not moved, "Glin, get up. You have to curl your hair and do your makeup or something like that."

"Mmph."

"Come on, you'll hate me if I don't get you up."

Galinda didn't react. Elphaba rolled her eyes and strode over, kneeling next to the bed and flicking a curl out of her face. "I think your hair looks fine, but you probably won't. Come on. Get up."

Galinda groaned dramatically, but her eyes did open. "What time is it?"

Elphaba glanced at the clock. "9:45, roughly."

"Ugh." Galinda made to burrow into the blankets again, but Elphaba quickly interrupted, tugging them out from under her. "No, you don't. I know you had a rough night, but you do have to get up. Sleeping the day away won't help."

Galinda blinked blearily, pushing herself up and blowing her golden hair out of her face. "Did last night really happen?"

Elphaba sighed, flattening the blankets she held and organizing them somewhat neatly at the foot of the bed. "Unfortunately, yes. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Galinda shook her head, yawning. "It's not your fault."

Elphaba deigned not to reply.

The girls got ready in silence (or, rather, Galinda got ready and Elphaba read) until a quiet voice spoke from behind her book.

"It'll all be over in a couple days."

Galinda paused, her mascara brush hovering an inch above her eyelashes. "What do you mean?"

"This." Elphaba glanced over the top of her hardback, feet dangling off the bed. "The nightmares, the stress, the waiting, the tension. Just a couple more days."

Galinda smiled gently. "I'm proud of you, Elphie. It seems that you've really come to terms with it. Are you ready?"

"No." Elphaba chuckled flatly. "But I could prepare for years and not be ready. I'm more done. I want it over with."

"Mmm." Galinda returned to her makeup, setting aside mascara for lipstick. "What does your sister think about all this?"

Elphaba's face darkened and her knuckles tightened around the worn edges of her book. "Frankly, I haven't bothered to ask, but what she has so helpfully volunteered to tell me was that Father is right no matter what he says or does and how excited she is to see him and I don't let her finish, usually."

Galinda's nose wrinkled. "I don't understand how she can be so blind."

"That's a fantastic question," said Elphaba drily, "one that I don't care to find the answer to. Not unless I want to get violently angry."

"Fair enough." Galinda set down her makeup and stood, stretching. "Frankly, I'm not against you getting violently angry - not at your sister, but at him." She looked seriously at her green friend. "You're freaking _powerful_ , Elphie."

Elphaba smirked. "Freaking?"

Galinda blushed. "Cursing is not ladylike, Elphaba."

"Well, then I'd say it's a great thing that I don't give a -"

" _Anyway_ ," Galinda cleared her throat, giving Elphaba a glare through reddened cheeks, "I think it's time you give him a taste of his own medicine. Show him what you can do and make him regret ever touching you."

"I didn't know you had a sadistic side," said Elphaba with a smile, but she agreed. Her insides twisted with glee at the thought of seeing her father bleed, scream, beg for mercy -

But whether she'd be capable of doing that, she didn't know.

* * *

"In the Quadling Civil War, the Munchkins were dragged into the bloodshed by North Quadling," Professor Kent droned on. "North Quadling threatened to retreat through Munchkinland, burning the country as they went, if the Munchkins didn't assist them. Does anyone remember what the governor of Munchkinland at the time replied? This is incredibly important, class, come on now!"

Elphaba raised her hand lazily.

"Anyone other than Miss Elphaba?"

The door opened suddenly and the class stirred, lifting their heads off unopened textbooks and glancing up from pages more full of doodles than notes. They were greeted with the sight of Madam Morrible, looking stiff and supremely unconcerned that she just interrupted a classroom. "I'm here for Miss Elphaba, Professor Kent, if you wouldn't mind me taking her."

Elphaba's breath hitched. She couldn't imagine what Morrible would want from her, but this was the Headmistress herself.

"I would suggest bringing your things," said Morrible. "It might take a while."

Wordlessly, Elphaba packed up her stuff and followed the Headmistress out, her mind spinning. Was something wrong with her sister? That was the only logical explanation for this.

"My apologies for pulling you from class," said Morrible crisply, marching briskly down the hall, leaving Elphaba to jog at first to catch up. "I certainly hope you won't be missing much."

"Probably not, Professor Kent is mostly reviewing his lesson from yesterday to those who didn't pay attention, which is mostly everyone," Elphaba replied somewhat breathlessly.

"I see," Morrible remarked with a slight smirk. She opened the door and stepped outside, the air as chilly as her tone of conversation.

"Madame," said Elphaba carefully, "if you don't mind me asking, what's going on? Is something wrong?"

"Oh, not at all," said Morrible, rounding the corner and approaching the nearest building, its walls almost brushing the ones of its neighbor. An alley hid between the two, barely big enough for two people to move around comfortably. There always seemed to be a passionately kissing couple occupying the small space, but for once, the alley was empty.

Morrible swung the door open, holding it for Elphaba as she entered. "Then what did you want to talk to me about, Madame?" Elphaba inquired.

"It's not me that needs to talk to you, dear," said Morrible, walking past her and beckoning around the corner. "It's -"

"My dear girl!"

A mallet struck Elphaba in the chest and she became a gong, vibrating from her chest to her fingernails. She couldn't speak, she couldn't move, she couldn't breathe.

Frexspar strode over to her, his face alight with joy, his eyes glowing like a streetlight under a sheet of ice. "I've missed you so much! I was devastated to hear about your stint in the hospital. How are you feeling?"

Elphaba couldn't help herself. She scampered backward, her face rigid as stone. "Three days," she croaked. "You said I had three more days."

Frex halted, hurt flashing on his face. "What do you mean?" Was it her imagination, or did the corners of his mouth twitch? "You're not happy to see me?"

Morrible looked between the two in pristine confusion, her eyebrow quirked slightly. "Miss Elphaba, whatever is the matter?"

Elphaba swallowed, lacing her fingers behind her back to keep them from trembling. "Nothing, Madame," she said automatically. "I was just surprised to see him. He came sooner than I anticipated."

Frex smiled. The sight made her bones quake.

"She's never really been one for surprises," he laughed gently. "Elphaba, will you come with me? I'd like to speak with you about how your education is going and also about your health." He started walking towards the door. "If you would excuse us, Madame?"

"Of course, Governor Thropp," said Morrible, nodding. "My office is down this hallway to your right. If you need to speak to me, please feel free to do so."

"Thank you so much." He held the door open for his daughter. "Elphaba?"

Elphaba didn't move. She could feel the anger, the terror, the horrible choking rising from the pit of her stomach to her eyes. He had played it too well. Of course he had. She had no choice.

Did she breathe? Did she blink? Did time pass at all?

She followed him out, letting him close the door behind them as the cold air swirled around her wrists and left her to fend for herself.


	15. Wicked

**Hi everybody! So, the tenth Greg Awards have begun, and if you feel like Voices deserves it, I would be honored for you to consider nominating it. (And a huge thank you to those who have already nominated it and/or me! It makes me so so so happy, you don't even know.)**

 **This is the longest chapter I've written for Voices, about 4k words, and rightly so - it took me ages to get the character development somewhat right. ;) I hope you enjoy and would love to know what you think.**

* * *

She could feel Morrible's gaze on her back and his breath in her hair. Every exhale of his made her want to scream, but she was being watched. She had to wait - wait -

She spun around to face her father the second they had moved away from the door, retreating several steps. He didn't chase, rather leaning against the brick wall of the building, his eyes following her like a hawk. He had strapped a knife to his belt and the handle glistened from the sheath; it seemed to laugh at her.

"Why are you here?" she hissed.

He smiled again, all gentleness gone. His teeth glittered in the sunlight. "Do you not read? I would have thought that your time at this university would have taught you something. I told you in my letter, _dear girl_ , that I was coming to discuss your hospital stint. It cost me a lot. I don't appreciate that. At all, in fact."

Elphaba waited for it. The strike, the move. It didn't come. "That's not why you're here," she said, her voice painstakingly flat and unemotional.

He smirked. "Look at that! You can be observant. You're right, that's not why I'm here. Not entirely." He shrugged. "It's just amazing to me how, even from miles and miles away, you still manage to be a thorn in my side." He threw his hands in the air. "You hospitalize yourself, make me pay for everything, and all for what? Nothing! You've accomplished nothing. Didn't you rant to me that you were going to do great things, that this was your chance to prove something, and all that trope you fed yourself from your precious books? Well? Where is it? Where is your success?"

She didn't respond.

He lifted his shoulders. "I paid all that money for you to get better. You let me down on two counts - you didn't die, first of all, and secondly, you haven't done anything of value. If you do have to be alive, then the least you can do for those of us who have to endure your presence is accomplish something worthwhile." A sarcastic smirk twisted his mouth. "I expected great things from you, Elphaba. After all, I -"

Elphaba huffed, her nostrils flaring. "Don't waste your breath," she spat. The ferocity in her tone surprised her but she didn't stop; she could feel the magic inside her crackling and sparking like a sputtering flame, fueling every word. "You expect nothing from me, and you will get nothing. Any achievement I have I can guarantee will never be traced back to you." It felt good. These words felt good. If she didn't look him in the eye, it was almost like he wasn't there. "It will be mine and mine alone, the one thing I won't let you touch!"

He lunged forward. Her stare flew to his as she skidded away, her back jabbing painfully into the brick of the neighboring building. He erupted into laughter. "Look at all this big talk! And yet, it's all hot air. What do you have to show for it? Nothing." He smiled again and took a step forward. "I can do whatever I want to you because you're not going to run." Leaves crunched under his feet. "You want to, but you can't. You're not strong enough." Crunch. "You're not brave enough." Crunch. His breath was on her face now. "I might even be led to believe ..." He reached out his forefinger and traced her cheekbone, so tenderly that it made her shiver. His voice quieted to a barely audible whisper. "That you _like it_." He chuckled, taking her face gently in his hands. "Do you feel like you deserve it, my Elphaba? Hm?"

Her eyes slid shut. His palms felt rough and foreign against her skin.

She had to end this.

Her lip curled, fingernails digging into the cracks on the bricks behind her. Breathe. She could hear Galinda's voice in the back of her head, nudging her on. Say it.

"I am not your Elphaba." She forced herself to stare into his icy irises, her heart pounding but head clear. "You can't do whatever you want to me. Not anymore." Her breath shook but jaw tensed as her gaze hardened. Lips twisting, she reached upward and yanked his hands off her face, shoving them aside and sending him backward a step. "I wish the world could see you as you truly are. You're a twisted, sick, and evil man that I will _never_ submit to again!"

The world stopped moving, and for a moment, all Elphaba could see were his eyes, a rusty brown so sharp that she could physically feel them piercing her own. His gentleness charade fell away, his face changing in the fraction of a second from a tiger playing with its prey to a snake going in for the kill. Elphaba barely had time to exhale before his hands enclosed her forearms and she was eleven years old again in his living room, shattered bits of vase around them and his drunken breath on her face.

"I don't appreciate being spoken to like that," he hissed in her ear, pressing her against the wall. The bricks dug into her head. She made the mistake of wincing - but, it had been a while.

He saw it and grinned. "Where is your courage now?" He pressed her harder. "Huh? Where is it?" Laughing, he dragged her deeper into the alley, keeping her pressed tightly against the wall, the rough mortar clawing into her neck and arms and tearing her sweater. She gasped, writhing in his grip, but he wouldn't let go.

Her heart was on fire. Her head was a drum. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't _breathe_.

"It seems like you've forgotten everything I've taught you," he snarled. "We'll have to have a little review, shall we?" He grabbed her chin, snapping it to face him, no longer clothing his touch in tenderness. "Lesson one: look at me when I'm speaking to you."

Her terror, anger, and magic were a fire, the smoke coiling into screams snuffed out by his hand as it glided down to her neck, pressing her into the wall as she gasped. "Look at me!"

She obeyed. Shark's eyes. _Shark's eyes_.

"Lesson two." He threw her to the ground easily. She hated how she scrambled away before him, how weak she was, how swiftly he was able to catch her, his hands grasping at her ankles. "You will respect me as your father, however unfortunate that is."

"You are not my father!" she snarled. Her feet became a frantic blur, yanking themselves out of his grip. The heel of her boot collided with his cheek, sending him stumbling backward into the wall, clutching his face. She froze instinctively, the world seeming to slow.

She had hit him.

She had hurt him.

She had _hurt_ him.

He turned to look at her, his hand lowering enough to see the bruise beginning to form. His eyes, once icicles, were in flames.

All the blood drained from her face and she leapt to her feet, stumbling over herself as she ran. His footsteps crashed behind her as her breathing quickened. He was getting closer. The alley was so long. Why was the alley so long? She stretched her fingertips, about to grasp the sunlight curling around the corner of the brick -

But she was too slow.

Frex grabbed her by the hair, snapping her neck backward, her head smashing against his shoulder before he slammed her against the wall.

"Lesson three!" he heaved in her ear, his hand moving to her throat as he used it to pound her head into the wall. "You'll never outrun me! You'll - never - be - free!"

Elphaba screamed, but his grip only tightened. Her vision spun as she clawed blindly at his face.

 _You have to fight_ , she thought desperately.

But fighting meant that he'd hit harder.

How could she have forgotten?

Holding her with one hand, he reached for his knife with the other and her heart leapt into her throat, eyes bulging. He grinned. "Scared now, are you?"

He twirled it in front of her, the tip of the blade dancing around her face, nicking her eyebrows, her cheekbones, her nose. "But don't worry. I'm not going to kill you." He released her throat, leaving Elphaba gasping for air as he grasped her forearms, smashing them against the unforgiving brick. Her sleeves, loose against her skin, immediately succumbed to gravity, exposing her scars. "Remember these?" He traced one with the tip of the knife, drawing the thinnest line of blood before he threw his head back and howled in laughter, sliding the knife back into the sheath easily. "I don't need to kill you! You'll kill yourself!"

She was frozen against the wall, her lungs crumbling slowly under the weight of him. He didn't have to say it. He didn't have to say anything. His words ricocheted around in her head, engulfing her in a tug-of-war between horrific past and present.

 _Worthless_. He leaned closer, his eyes ablaze. "No one would love you. It's impossible! Absolutely impossible. You're unsuccessful at everything you do, have absolutely no personality, and -" He grasped her chin again, jerking it side to side as if examining her. "- entirely disgusting to look at."

 _Mistake_. She twitched. He slammed her against the wall once more, his hand sliding over her face to grasp her hair. "I wish you'd never been born," he growled. "The world is better off without you! Your sister's better off without you! Who knows, maybe Melena wanted to die to escape you!"

 _Freak_. Elphaba's shoulders shook as a tear snuck its way down her cheek. Luckily, he didn't notice. "You're just so strange. You're not even human!" He laughed. "You're a creature! A _thing_ , an _it_ , not a person!"

 _Witch_. "And what good does your magic do you, huh? Huh?" He pressed his forearm against her collarbone, forcing her gaze to meet his. "Nothing! You're utterly useless now!"

He released her, stepping back and wiping his hands as if to rid the filth of them. Elphaba trembled as she stayed glued to the wall, her arms slowly curling in on herself like a dead spider. He chuckled as he watched her. "What?" he called. "No witty response? Has the truth silenced you at last?"

Elphaba held her wrists to her chest. She could feel each individual bruise swelling up and she just wanted to close her eyes and sleep forever. If she did, would he go away?

"What do you want from me?" she whispered.

He observed her for a moment. "I want you to know the pain that I have felt because of you," he said quietly. "The love of my life is gone because of you. My beautiful baby girl is now permanently damaged because of you." His eyes narrowed. "I want you to feel the humiliation you have brought me. Every time I am seen with you, every time I am reminded that you are my offspring, I am utterly embarrassed." He tilted his head and stepped toward her again. "And lastly, I want you to feel the absolute hatred I have for you. No amount of blows or words could ever convey just how much I completely _despise_ you." He grinned again. Elphaba could easily imagine his teeth as sharp as a wolf's, blood dripping from them and coating his chin. "But I try my best."

Elphaba blinked slowly. Every time she lifted her eyelids she was somewhere new - the living room, shards of vase in the carpet; her bedroom, shattered mirror around her feet; the dining room, tension building as she waited for the inevitable; but he stayed the same. He was there. He was always there.

She couldn't escape.

 _And why try?_ muttered the voices, stirring from the bottom of her brain. _You're so naive, thinking you could be free. You can't. You've tried. You've failed. You can't._

Elphaba slid down the wall a few inches. Her breathing slowed. She could hear her father laughing, but faintly. She slid her eyes closed.

 _Just accept defeat, you stupid girl. Let him do what he wants to you. You deserve it._

Inhale.

 _Stop fighting and just accept it. He's right. You're worthless._

Exhale.

 _No one cares about you._

Her thoughts faltered, the voices stuttering to a stop as something stirred in Elphaba's mind.

 _I care about you._

Galinda's face appeared, flickering briefly in her mind's eye.

 _You can do this._

Inhale.

 _Fight, Elphie._

Exhale.

 _Fight._

She opened her eyes to stare at her father. He was leaning against the opposite wall, grinning smugly. She straightened and his eyebrows lifted.

"You want some more?" He grinned.

She looked at him and breathed. He was just a man. She could feel her magic, subtly but surely, lacing her fingertips.

"No, I don't," she said quietly. Her attention flickered briefly to the corner of the alley, the sunlight tickling her shoulders. So close. "But that doesn't matter to you. When will enough be enough? When I am dead and you are forced to quit at my absence?" Her chest heaved with the effort of looking him in the eye and her fingers quivered, but she held it. "Or will you dig up my corpse to abuse when you're bored?"

"Now what would be the point in that?" He shrugged. "I'd probably forget where you were buried, in any case. It would be wasteful to spend money on a tombstone when no one would bother to visit you."

" _I want you here._ "

The alley melted into the hospital room. Galinda sat in front of her, fire visible through the tears.

" _Why did you believe you were better off dead?_ "

Their dorm grew around them and Galinda leaned forward on the bed.

" _You're not a burden. I know this seems to be lost on you every time I say it, but I care about you! Yes, you've changed me, but it's for the better, Elphie._ "

"No," Elphaba murmured. Her eyes sputtered and sparked, the smallest of flames beginning to burn. "You're wrong."

His face dropped immediately. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Gripping the bricks behind her, she straightened completely. "I am not worthless. I am not a burden. I am not unlovable." Her lip curled as she spat out her words. "You're. Wrong."

He lunged for her, snarling, but she was already gone.

She ran as best she could across the grassy lawn behind the administration building, jabbing pain in her side with every step, but she couldn't stop. Where she was going, she didn't know - just away.

"You can't run from me forever!"

She could hear his footsteps. Of course he would chase her; he wouldn't accept defeat until she utterly had. Her heart burned and head pounded. She could feel each drop of blood seeping out of the scrapes on her neck and each burst blood vessel bruising her arms, but she kept running.

"You're weak! Weak, do you hear me?!"

An uncontrollable crackling filled her chest as her fingers tightened.

Class had begun to let out and students oozed slowly out of the buildings, mindlessly chattering with each other and trudging to their next destination. Those that saw Elphaba laughed and prodded those nearby to turn and _look, the green girl bleeds!_

"You think you're so brave, but look at you!" Frex screamed. "You're running! You'll always be running!"

The crackling turned into boiling and she stopped, turning on her heel to face him. Her chest was heaving and whole body shaking but her eyes were a wildfire.

"I'm not … running … now," she panted, looking him in the eye.

He slowed to a stop, breathing just as heavily as she was, his expression contorted in rage. "That doesn't matter," he hissed through clenched teeth. "You are powerless. I will … always … have control over you." He smiled, before coughing as he tried to regain his breath. "Remember the truth?"

Elphaba glanced around her. The students surrounding them looked on but from a distance, congregating in doorways and stairwells, watching them in heightening curiosity. Elphaba felt rather than heard their whispers.

Frex saw them too, his voice quieting as a result and he stepped forward, his nostrils flared. "Remember the truth, Elphaba?"

She slowly turned her stare back to him. She could feel his hands on her arms, hear his screams in her ears, sense his loathing in every scar on her wrists, but she also saw the bruise, swelling up on his cheekbone, and knew that he was not invincible.

 _Make him regret ever touching you._

"The truth," Elphaba growled, "is that you are the wicked one, not me." Her brain cleared more with each word, that bruise seeming to grow larger with every syllable. "The truth is that I won't run, I won't submit, and you will _never_ touch me again!"

His pupils exploded in rage and he snarled, lunging for her. Elphaba's heart leapt to her throat as his fingers scraped her shoulders, latching on to them and shaking violently; the crackling, the boiling, built and built until her skin felt like it was going to burn up in flames. Her body pulsed with magic as his hands disappeared and he flew backward, landing on his shoulder blades and tumbling away from her.

Elphaba shook, but no longer in terror. She could feel the power creeping from somewhere in her abdomen through her fingertips and _she could hurt him_.

She raised her hand curiously and traced in the air, seeing red, and red came. His cheek slit neatly open, blood beginning to slide down his face so smoothly it could have been tears.

Fear flickered in his eyes for the first time.

Elphaba saw it, and her lips twisted into a smile, everything inside her curling into furious, triumphant euphoria.

"I can hurt you," she whispered in an almost awe-filled tone, taking a step forward. He scrambled to his feet, hand cupping his bloody cheek, but he didn't move away. "You're weak! I can hurt you!"

"Elphaba," he said carefully, "Elphaba -"

"How does it feel?" She extended her arm forward gently, an invisible hand wrapping around his neck and squeezing. "How does it feel to be afraid?" Her hand began to close, and the invisible hand tightened around his throat, leaving his next words hanging, sputtering, in the air.

"How does it feel to be – what was it – _powerless_?" She hesitated instinctively before reaching for him, touching his face as he choked. Her eyes widened in dark glee as she ran her thumb over the top of his bloody cheekbone without a hint of retaliation. "I can touch you now." She grinned at the realization. "Tell me, am I still yours?"

The students around her were muttering, moving frantically among one another, but none interfered, and Elphaba paid them no mind.

She could see the fear clearly now, flattening the angry lines on his face and making him a different person entirely. He tried to form words as his face began to turn a soft shade of blue.

 _Have mercy_ , he was saying.

He was begging.

Elphaba's grin grew wider. "Have mercy?" She threw her head back and cackled. "Mercy?" She let him go. He gasped, crumpling to his knees and clutching his throat, wheezing. "When have you ever shown me mercy?" The toe of her boot smashed into his side with a crack and he dropped completely to the ground with a cry. Elphaba's eyes glowed.

"I hate you," she hissed. "I can finally say it to your face, and it feels delightful. I _hate_ you!"

"I'll pull you from Shiz," he growled almost desperately, clutching his ribcage. "I'll pull you from Shiz if you don't stop!"

"You don't have the power to, and you know it," Elphaba retorted. "You don't have power over me!" She laughed again, almost in manic relief. "You don't have power!"

The magic came easily to her, like an extension of her arm, and she forced him onto his back and his arm out to the side, his groans the sweetest sound she'd ever heard.

"You can't kill me," he murmured, struggling against her, but he could do no more than lift his head. "You won't kill me, you -"

"Oh, I won't kill you." Elphaba mocked, stepping closer. "I don't need to kill you." His sleeve rolled back of its own accord, exposing the tender, unmarked flesh of his left wrist. She smirked. "You'll kill yourself."

True terror erupted in his face as his right hand began to move, taking the knife from his belt and lifting it, the weapon gliding easily towards his left wrist. Frex's face reddened as he tensed and fought with all his strength, but it was no match for hers.

The blade made contact with his skin, and he shrieked in pain as he began to shred his own wrist.

 _Look at him._

Her eyes darkened as she watched her father destroy his arm slice by slice.

 _He deserves this. He deserves to die._

Elphaba's lip curled. She forced the blade to cut deeper.

"Elphaba!" Frex screamed. "Stop this! Please!"

 _Doesn't it feel so good? To repay what he's done to you? Doesn't it feel good, to make him feel every ounce of pain that he inflicted on you?_

The voices danced in her head, their laughter growing louder than hers.

 _Kill him._

Their tones rose in intensity.

 _End it all, right now. Kill him._

"You're wicked!" Frex spat in her direction. "Wicked! Wicked! Somebody, help me!"

 _He'll be gone. You won't have to face another day knowing he's there. You won't have to be in pain any longer. You will finally have done something good for this world._

The blade dug harder as blood streamed down his arm; there was no sound, no sight, nothing other than the red staining the grass and the cuff of her father's sleeve -

"Elphaba Thropp!"

Her head snapped up. The silence and the voices disappeared and she was suddenly aware of the screaming. Students and faculty were running everywhere, shouting at each other and at her. Madame Morrible was making her way over the lawn toward them, looking thunderous. "Elphaba Thropp, stop what you're doing right now!"

The blade fell through her father's limp fingers. He collapsed, breathing hard, his eyes fluttering shut.

Morrible arrived at her shoulder, panting. She glanced at the barely stirring Frex before turning her gaze to Elphaba, expression hard as stone.

"You!" she barked at a professor gawking from a nearby stairway. "Get medical over here immediately. And you," she turned to Elphaba, "come with me." Her face was taut and serious, cold and unreadable. " _Now_."

Elphaba couldn't seem to breathe or feel or think or do anything other than numbly follow Morrible, allowing herself one last glance at her father and the now crimson knife.


	16. Wisdom

**So, the nomination portion of the Greg Awards is over and I and Voices have officially been nominated for several things and wow. Wow, you guys! Thank you so much. That you would even think my stuff is good enough to nominate makes me happy. I'm honored to be up against such awesome writers, and I encourage you to go vote for who you think should be the winners of the Awards! In the meantime, enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Gossip carries far louder and wider than its perpetrators are often aware of, and soon enough, the entire campus was swept away in a wildfire of whispers. Within ten minutes of Frex's final lunge at Elphaba and her retaliation, students all across Shiz were set ablaze with curiosity. Whether their facts were correct or not, those who were free from the quiet, studious air of the classrooms knew something had happened. Something bloody.

Galinda, however, was not one of those students.

She was locked away in the basement of the Hall of Maths and Sciences, taking Arithmetic 101 — or what was commonly known as Remedial Math. She could care less, naturally. General education courses were a necessary evil, and it only made sense to not challenge yourself and take the easiest one.

She tapped her unused pencil lightly against the desk, allowing her thoughts to wander. Elphie would be out of class by now — Quadling History always let out a half hour prior to Math. She looked at the clock and huffed, her exhale nudging a stray curl out of her way. Five more minutes.

"Can anyone tell me the proper use of this symbol?"

Perhaps the two of them could get a snack after. She was hungry.

"Anyone?"

A muffin sounded really nice. Blueberries. Maybe a hint of chocolate.

The professor glanced at the clock and sighed. "Complete the three sheets I handed out to you by tomorrow. You're dismissed."

Galinda smiled in relief and stood, slinging her bag over her shoulder as she walked out of the dingy classroom and up the stairs toward the door. Students passed, too occupied among themselves to notice her. One girl caught her eye and prodded her friend, pointing. They exchanged hushed comments before turning away, muttering darkly.

Galinda's stomach squirmed.

She nudged the door open with her hip and stepped into a scene of disarray. Students and professors were hurrying everywhere, trying not to appear excited or nervous while murmuring excitedly and nervously to those around them. Galinda heard snippets of conversation as she passed.

"The knife — how did she use — or he, I guess —"

"So much blood. It was _everywhere_."

"It's still on the grass!"

"Green skin is a bad omen. I told you."

The rhythm of Galinda's steps palpitated, causing her to stumble.

Green.

Blood.

Knife?

She spun to the nearest group of people, trying to appear nonchalant but unable to get rid of the twitch in her fingers. "What happened? What are you all talking about?"

Their conversation lapsed into silence. One of the boys eyed her in surprise before clearing his throat. "Haven't you heard?"

Galinda shook her head. "No, I was in class." _Idiot, of course I haven't heard. Spit it out, quickly._

"Oh." He glanced at his friends, who shrugged at him. He continued. "That green girl. Your roommate?"

"Yes?" Galinda's heart galloped. Blood. Was she dead? What had she done?

"Well, I'm not entirely sure what happened. I wasn't there. But my friend Bradley was, and he said that she and this man got into a fight on the lawn. He said —"

"Man? What man? Who was he?"

The boy shrugged again. "I don't know. Like I said, I wasn't there. But according to Bradley, the green girl just went crazy, making the man do all sorts of horrible things with her magic." He shivered. "Witch."

The jerking in her fingers grew stronger.

"Where are they now?" she asked, carefully keeping her voice controlled.

He shook his head. "Morrible broke them up, that's all I know." He offered her a smile, his eyes drifting below her collarbone. "Hey, I'm glad you're okay, though. I'd hate for that _thing_ to mess you up too bad." He grinned at her and his friends laughed.

Her nose wrinkled in disgust, barely spitting out the words "yes, well, thank you," before storming off toward the administration building.

Three days.

She said she had had three days.

* * *

"Miss Elphaba, university policy requires me to inform you that what you did was completely, utterly wrong."

"Yes, Madame."

"Violence on campus, especially that of such caliber that you demonstrated, is prohibited here. I'm sure you are aware of that."

"Yes, Madame."

Was that voice her own? It sounded hollowed, distant, echoed.

"Miss Elphaba, look at me."

Elphaba didn't feel herself move or remember it; one moment she was looking at her hands, the next Morrible's heavily lined eyes.

Morrible evaluated her before speaking. "I know you have powers beyond your control, but this was different. You were controlling it — well, I might add. I also know that it is not in your nature that I've seen for you to do this." She leaned back against her desk, lifting her eyebrows. "Explain."

Explain. Elphaba inhaled. Explain what? Explain how he had hurt her? Explain how every scar screamed of him? Explain how it felt to make him bleed?

"He —" the words caught in her throat. _He beat me_. Why was that so hard to say? Was it because she hadn't been allowed to say it for so long? "He hurt me." Her mouth was dry, her tongue sticking to her teeth. "Since I was young. He hurt me. He's always hated me, so he tried — tries — to kill me without … without actually doing it himself."

Recognition dawned in Morrible's eyes, but she said nothing.

"That's why he's here. It's not about my health. Quite the opposite. It's because he wanted to hurt me." Elphaba picked at the sleeve of her sweater, dusty from the alley. "That's what he was doing when he took me out of here, out of the building. I tried to run, but I was tired of running. That's all I've done. My whole life." She met Morrible's gaze. "My magic exploded. The first time I couldn't control it, but … but …" she chewed her lip, struggling to pour all that had happened into the mold of language. "I could hurt him, Madame. I realized that. He … he could be powerless. He could be afraid, afraid of _me_. And I … I just … I guess I got carried away."

Morrible lifted her chin. "Carried away doing what, exactly? What did you do to him?"

Elphaba hesitated. Morrible waved her hand. "Don't be afraid. Nothing you say can hurt you."

She shut her eyes. The moment was seared crimson in her head. "I sliced his cheek open. I choked him. He begged for me to let him go." Her lips subconsciously curled upward at the memory. "I did, eventually. I kicked him. He was on the ground, then." She paused.

"Yes?" Morrible encouraged softly.

"I moved him onto his back and forced his arms outward. I made him take his knife and start slicing his own arm open. It was surprisingly easy, actually. Like air."

"How did it make you feel?"

"In control. Invincible."

"Did you enjoy it?"

Her eyes opened and she glanced at Morrible. "Why are you asking me this?"

Morrible's steely gaze didn't change, and neither did the question.

Elphaba's jaw tightened. "Yes," she replied quietly. "Yes. I did."

"Hm." Morrible lowered herself into her chair, crossing her arms and leaning back. "I'm asking you this because how it made you feel is important. Emotions influence magic, Miss Elphaba; you of all people know this. Certain emotions are more conducive to certain kinds of magic, and certain kinds of magic are more powerful than others."

"What do you mean? Madame?"

She licked her lips. "Never mind. That's irrelevant at this point, but what I'm getting at is that you're powerful. More powerful than I thought, and I thought you were very powerful, indeed."

Elphaba didn't realize she wasn't breathing until her chest started to burn.

"If your father didn't see how important you are, then he was a fool. You are a prodigious, incredibly special young woman, Miss Elphaba." Morrible folded her fat fingers together, leaning forward to rest them on her desk. "You are going to accomplish much. Ridding yourself of those who threaten to hold you back is not wrong — it's wise." Her shoulders lifted. "In light of knowing you and hearing your explanation, understand that Shiz University will not punish you for what has happened today."

Elphaba couldn't move. Couldn't react. Could do no more than grip the armrests of her chair and try to breathe.

Morrible stood. "In the most unlikely event of your father pressing charges, I will make sure he will lose. Don't worry about that."

"Why?"

Morrible paused in her movement to the door, her hand resting on the knob. "Why what? Elaborate."

"Why are you helping me?" Elphaba couldn't believe she was asking this, questioning Madame Morrible, but she had to know. "I deserve expulsion, no matter how 'special' I am. What do I offer you that would entice you to allow me to stay?"

Morrible's eyebrow lifted again, this time impressed. "Clever girl, so observant yet so blind." She chuckled. "It is my job to take students with potential and make them great. And as for you, my dear, your opportunity will be arriving soon."

"But —"

"Soon." Morrible smiled. "I will fetch you and explain it all, in due time. For now, go back to your dorm and lay low for a bit. I'll speak to the faculty." She opened the office door and inclined her head. "Good day, Miss Elphaba. I'll be speaking with you again shortly, I presume."

* * *

The cool air stung Elphaba's cheeks and aggravated the scrapes on her neck and head as she stepped outside, but she welcomed the pain. It reminded her she was awake.

Did that really just happen?

Had she actually managed to torture her father and get away with it, all within the hour?

Her gaze fell on the alley.

Was what she did wrong? Or wise?

She took a breath. Thankfully, her dorm was close by. It was starting to hurt to walk, and to breathe, and to think. All she wanted was to sleep.

"Elphie!"

Her focus tore away from the edge of the brick alleyway and latched onto Galinda, running as fast as her heels would allow.

"Elphie, thank Oz you're all right!" Galinda threw her arms around her friend. "I come out of class and everyone's talking about you and blood —"

 _You'll kill yourself._

 _I care about you, Elphie._

 _Have mercy._

"— and about a strange man I could only assume was your father, and oh, I didn't know what to think!" Galinda stepped back, examining her, and her face fell. "You're hurt. How badly? He did this to you?"

Elphaba swallowed. Her presence was comforting, but not here. Not now. "I'll tell you it all later," she said quietly, "let's just … I need to get back to the dorm."

Galinda hesitated for a moment but then nodded. "Okay. There's a back way through here that's quick and our chances of seeing a lot of people will be slim. That's probably best, don't you think?"

"Definitely."

"Thought so." Galinda glanced around quickly before motioning toward the alley. "Follow me."

Elphaba's breathing quickened at the sight of the alley and its cool shadows. Were the walls really moving? Were they really closing in?

Galinda paused. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Elphaba's muscles tightened. "Yes, fine. Let's go."


	17. Identity

**Wow! Wow wow wow. Voices has tied for 2nd at the Gregs, and honestly, I really didn't see that coming. Thank you guys so much.**

 **This was probably one of my favorite chapters to write, although it took me _forever._ I find the character development rather exciting, and I hope you do too. I also hope you enjoy the use of italics, cause there's a lot. You're welcome. **

* * *

The dorm was dim, and for that Elphaba was grateful.

The walk home only exacerbated her wounds. She could feel every fingerprint of his bruising and swelling up around her upper body. The scratches on her neck burned and the back of her head prickled, fueling the headache flaring up behind her eyebrows.

She had won, yet she still felt like death.

And looked like it, too. As Elphaba passed by Galinda's gigantic mirror in the center of the wall, she saw that even the dimness of the room couldn't hide the damage entirely, just the worst of it. Her black hair, once in a neat bun at the nape of her neck, had come woefully undone, half of it dangling down in wispy strands. The bricks had shredded the back of her sweater, which, along with her pants and shoes, were stained with grass and mud. She shut her eyes.

"Elphie?"

She turned away from Galinda's watchful eyes and moved numbly to her dresser, pulling out clothes.

"Elphaba." Galinda shut the door quietly behind her, edging into the room. "Please don't do this."

Elphaba paused, shaking fingers wrapped around a cardigan. "Do what?"

"Hide," Galinda murmured. "Hide, like you always do when something like this happens."  
"Nothing like this has happened before."

"No, it has." Galinda inhaled. "Just perhaps not in this order. Or this outcome."

Elphaba didn't reply. Silence stretched between them as Elphaba gathered her clothes and changed. She avoided the mirror in the harsh bathroom light. Every move ached. She didn't need to look. All she had to do was exist and wonder why she was not dead yet; she certainly felt like it. That brief moment of power, of passion and flame, had vanished, leaving in its wake a slightly larger hole than before.

The door creaked as it opened and she stepped out, tossing her filthy clothes in a heap before gingerly lowering herself onto the bed. The air was silent as a tomb. Elphaba looked up for Galinda and found an empty, glaringly pink side of the room.

A thrum of surprise iced its way through the fog. It was like Galinda to pester, not to leave. She'd never left. Why?

She curled up carefully, hugging her knees as she stared out the window, suddenly wanting nothing more than to sleep for a very, very long time. _Sleep is a sedative, a means of escape,_ she thought. _A pleasant way of dying without the permanency._

She closed her eyes again.

The feeling of fingers grazing her shoulder made her react rougher than she thought she would. The world popped back into focus as she jerked backward, swatting the offending digits away, to find Galinda pulling her hand back and cradling it protectively.

Elphaba's chest rose and fell rapidly with the sudden surprise. "Sorry," she murmured, wincing as her body began to protest the sudden movement.

"It's fine. I should have known better than to touch you without warning." Galinda sat on the edge of the bed, dropping in her lap a small, white box.

"What's that?"

Galinda glanced at her briefly before opening it to reveal bandages, ointments, and salves. "I know you're trying to hide it, but you need some medical attention."

Elphaba chuckled. "For a couple scrapes? I'm fine."

Galinda shook her head. "That word has a very different and wrong meaning for you. You're not fine. Now where are they?"

"Where are what?"

"The scrapes, genius." Galinda grinned slightly. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Elphaba sighed. "My neck and hands. I have a cut on my wrist. Maybe something on my head?"

Galinda's smile disappeared as quickly as it had come, replaced by a business-like professionalism. "Anything else?"

"Just bruises."

"Where?"

"Oz." Elphaba took a breath as she thought—or, rather, felt. "Shoulders. Tailbone? I think? Neck? And … just, the pounding …"

Galinda's brow furrowed. Cautiously, she reached for Elphaba's face. Elphaba twitched but didn't resist as Galinda gently examined her, tilting her head from side to side and moving back her hair. She gasped slightly, confirming what Elphaba had suspected.

"A gash?"

Galinda nodded. "Not large, but yes. It was small enough to hide well, but it … um … well, you have blood all matted into your hair, and …"

"Glin, are you all right?"

The blonde took a shaky breath. "Yes. It's just … I, um, don't like blood. I can handle it, don't worry," she amended quickly, "it's just … ugh."

Elphaba pulled away, carefully extracting Galinda's fingers from her hair as she sat up straighter. "It's fine, Glin. Don't worry about it. I'll …"

"Take care of yourself?" Galinda huffed a blonde curl out of her view as she leaned forward again. "You've done enough of that. My turn." Her eyes spat fire when Elphaba smacked her hands away again. " _Elphie_. Don't waste your strength."

At that, Elphaba surrendered.

"So," Galinda began, picking at Elphaba's ruined bun, "I want to hear what happened. From start to finish."

"What don't you know already?"

"A lot, actually." She set aside the hair tie. "Why was he here early? I know he hurt you — obviously — but how did he get away with doing it on campus? I know you fought back — also, obvious — but what did you do? Why did it shake everyone up? Why didn't you do it sooner? Why —"

"All right, all right, I get the picture." Elphaba winced as Galinda separated her hair further, tugging at the gash's edges. "Careful."

"Sorry."

This time when Elphaba recounted the story, it felt detached; it was like she was describing a dream, something distant, too fantastical to be real.

"So that's why everyone was so terrified," Galinda murmured, almost in awe as she finished bandaging Elphaba's wrist. "You — wow."

"I almost killed him," said Elphaba. "It was so easy. Everything just glided, floated together. It came so naturally."

Galinda paused, glancing up at her. "Would you have done it?"

"What? Kill him?"

Galinda hesitated before nodding. It was like she couldn't bring herself to say the word. Irritation sparked in Elphaba's gut.

"Of course." The words were final, nonchalant, and Elphaba believed them wholeheartedly. She could have killed him. She wanted to, even. And would it have been wrong?

Galinda inhaled sharply. "There," she said, brushing her hands off and straightening. "You're all done. Let that ointment sit on your bruises for another two hours. Or at least, that's what the packaging said." She stood back, staring at Elphaba's hair intently, her head cocked to the side. "Hm. That's not very attractive."

Elphaba chuckled. "Am I ever?" She reached up to feel what Galinda was staring at and brushed against the coarse bandage, encircling her head like a pale halo.

"Here." Carefully, Galinda took the hair tie and pulled Elphaba's hair into a loose, high bun. "That's better."

"Thanks." Elphaba stretched, laying back on the pillows, eyeing Galinda with a gaze like a hawk. "I made you uncomfortable. Didn't I?"

Galinda's eyes darted anywhere but hers. "No," she said immediately. "…yes? I don't know. Killing is such complicated business. I haven't given it much thought."

"But evidently your conscience has." Elphaba lifted an eyebrow. "You told me that my father should pay for what he did, but death wasn't what you meant, was it?"

Galinda licked her lips, her fingers playing with the hem of her top. "No, of course not. I guess — I don't know, I guess I think death shouldn't be up to us, it's not our choice. But it doesn't matter anyway. You didn't kill him."

"And if we make that choice?" Elphaba asked quietly. "What if we choose to take our own life or take someone else's? What does that make us?"

"Elphie —"

"A monster?"

 _You're wicked. Wicked. Wicked!_

"Is that what this is about?"

Elphaba's head snapped from her hands to Galinda, who took a deep breath. "You thinking you're this demonic creature of evil?"

Elphaba lifted her shoulders. "That's what everybody says. And what they definitely will be saying after today."

"Well, they're wrong." Galinda crossed her arms. "Just because you have one compromising moment doesn't make you evil. People aren't born wicked; they have wickedness thrust upon them, and they have to choose to embrace it. You haven't done either. Today is just something that happened. It doesn't define you."

Elphaba's eyelashes fluttered in surprise. "Wow. That was — that sounded really wise, actually. I'm impressed."

Galinda blushed. "I got most of it from a book," she admitted. "But it's still true!"

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "What, so you actually read?"

"I read! Just … when I have to. For a grade."

Elphaba huffed in mock disdain.

"What? It tires me. Seriously though, Elphie." Galinda moved to start cleaning up. "You're not a bad person, you just had bad things happen to you." Snapping the first aid kit shut, she made for the door, heels clacking against the wood floor. "I'm going to return this. I'll be back in a little bit. Stay put, okay? Don't do anything to exhaust yourself."

"Me?" Elphaba reached gingerly to her nightstand, where she held up a book. "I'll just _read_."

"Very funny." Galinda stepped out into the hallway. "I'll be right back!"

The door clicked closed, engulfing the room in a silence that suddenly reminded Elphaba how badly her head was throbbing. The words in her book only served to make the pounding louder, and after several minutes, she tossed the book aside, unable to focus.

Choices. Galinda said that you choose to be wicked or you choose to be good, but was that true? And who decided what was right or good? Righteousness seemed, to her, to be more subjective than anything else. Every villain considered their actions right. Is goodness determined by the majority? But what if everyone's wrong?

Her eyes slid shut. She couldn't deny it, no matter how hard she thought or whatever anyone said — she would've killed her father, sliced him to pieces, and enjoyed every second.

Did that make her wicked?

Did she care?

These thoughts threatened to choke her, and she had had enough of that today. Gripping the bedpost, she lurched to her feet, searching for the pain medication she knew had to be around somewhere.

An awful pounding reverberated around the room. It took Elphaba several seconds to distinguish that it didn't come from her head, but the door.

Fear lazily reached up and tugged at her thoughts. Galinda never knocked; she never needed to, she had a key. Her father was in no condition to go anywhere, so it couldn't be him — but a number of students had seen what she'd done. If any had paid close enough attention, they would've seen how weak she was. How easy of a target she could be.

The knocking sounded again, louder and more incessant, but still not accompanied by a voice. Elphaba's chest churned. Wait for them to go away? Identify themselves?

 _Pound, pound, pound._ Elphaba's head rang with every strike of the person's fist against the door. _Make it stop. Make it stop._

She stumbled over. "For the love of Oz," she shouted, yanking on the door handle, "what do you —"

Her breath caught. Two sets of eyes locked together, identical in everything except what they've seen.

Nessa didn't bother speaking. She wheeled herself in with such force and speed that Elphaba had to scramble out of her way.

Elphaba closed the door slowly and pressed her back to it as she watched her sister spin around and sear her already burning head with the most murderous stare she'd ever seen her give. Rage didn't suit Nessa. It twisted her delicate features into something ugly, monstrous, icy. It made Elphaba shiver.

"What is wrong with you?" Nessa whispered, but it resounded with the force of a gunshot. "Elphaba Thropp, he's our _father_. How could you do that to him? He is in the hospital — in critical condition — as we speak! They're saying that he may lose all use of his right arm and he's bleeding internally, not to mention the trauma he experienced at your hands." Her face contorted. "It's all so horrid! Monstrous! Do you even have a soul?"

Elphaba, for once, had no words for which to respond.

Nessa reined herself in with much difficulty and lifted her chin. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Elphaba didn't know where to begin. She sputtered briefly before regaining her composure. "He — I didn't mean to, to hurt him that badly, I only wanted him to leave me alone."

Nessa's nostrils flared. "And you did that by having him mutilate himself?"

"No! I mean — yes — but you don't understand." She held up her arms. "He was attacking me. In that alley, next to the administration building, he — he hit me, slammed me into the bricks, dragged me, cut me with his knife —"

"And you expect me to believe that?"

Elphaba stared at her. "Nessa! For Oz's sake, look at me! Do you see this?" She tore off her outside sweater, the tank top she was wearing underneath perfectly displaying her cuts, bruises, and scrapes. "What do you think I did, run my own head into the wall? He did this to me! I was just fighting back!"

Nessa eyed the wounds as if testing their existence. She lifted her shoulders in conclusion. "Well, running your own head into the wall wouldn't be out of the ordinary for you, would it?" she said coldly. "How do I know all of this wasn't some episode, some relapse? Father was probably just trying to help you and you didn't like it so you lost control. That wouldn't be the first time."

Elphaba's jaw dropped. She could feel the crackling again, surging through her fingers, vibrating her ribcage.

"You think you know me," she hissed. "You think that you have the right to barge in here and tell me what happened, when you weren't even _there_. You think you have the right to tell me how he's treated me when you have done _nothing_ except turn a blind eye!"

"Elphaba —"

"No!" Elphaba's lip curled. "Don't waste your breath. I can't help it if you choose to forgo the truth just because you don't want to believe it! The truth is, you could've stopped him." Her eyes glowed. "All those times at home. You knew what he was doing to me. Don't deny it! You knew! He loved you so much that if it pained you to see me like that, if it killed you to know he was killing me, and you wanted him to stop, he would've stopped! At least, he would've stopped enough." Elphaba took a deep breath. "But you didn't want it, did you? You didn't want to risk his doting on you to change, so you let me suffer! Now here we are, and you have the _audacity_ to blame me for what happened."

"Oh, so it's my fault?" Nessa shrieked, blanching. " _My_ fault? So what, I knew he yelled at you sometimes, and so what, I knew he'd hit you, but what does that matter? You were a bad child! You deserved it, just like you deserved it now!"

"But what did I do wrong?" Elphaba cried. "Drop a vase? Break a plate? Those didn't deserve a beating, and you know it! What I did wrong in his eyes was exist!"

Nessa gripped the armrests of her chair until her knuckles were like snow. "I don't care what you say he did to you or even what he actually did," she spat, "because it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter, Elphaba. No one deserves to be so utterly — utterly — _destroyed_ like that! You almost murdered him! And you would have, wouldn't you? Tell me!"

A pregnant silence filled the room. It took several breaths for Elphaba to form words out of her frustration. "What this comes down to, _sister_ ," she hissed, "is you making a choice. There was me and then there was him, and you — you liked him better, and even though it cost me so much," Elphaba's eyes began to burn, she was starting to cry, _why was she starting to cry_ — "you chose him."

"And why wouldn't I?" Nessa's hands were shaking, but her voice held every word. "Why wouldn't I, Elphaba? He's all I have left!" She paused. "I thought for a while that you could love, that I could love you. You were odd, strange, sometimes gentle, sometimes cruel, but you were my —" her voice caught. "my sister. I thought you loved me. I thought — I thought I loved you, too."

 _Oz._ Elphaba didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to feel this. "Nessa, please," she breathed. "Please, you have to understand. I never wanted to hurt you, I —"

"But you have!" Nessa's chest heaved. Her eyes shone as tears began to swell. "You have hurt me." She took a deep breath and exhaled. "You've never done anything but hurt me."

Elphaba couldn't breathe.

"What I was too naive to realize when we were children, I realize now." Nessa's lip curled into a bitter snarl as tears tracked down her face. "Everything wrong in my life was because of you. You took my mother, you took my ability to walk, and now you've taken my father! He'll never be the same!"

Elphaba hated herself, hated the ugliness that came with crying, hated the words she was hearing, hated what she knew, deep down, she couldn't deny. "Mama wasn't my fault," she cried. "Mama wasn't my fault, and neither were your legs! It was the milk flowers, Nessa!"

"And why," Nessa's voice rose through choked tones, "why did she have to take the milk flowers? Why, Elphaba? _Why_?"

Words, empty and limp, piled at the edge of her tongue like abandoned drafts.

"Exactly." Every syllable was laced with venom. "It's taken me a long, long time, but now I know what you are. You're a thief, a horror, a _murderer_ —"

Elphaba inhaled. "Nessa —"

"A creature, a demon, a witch —" her voice rose to an ugly, tear-filled scream, "an abomination! Yes, I choose Father! I've chosen him from the beginning and I will choose him now!" She clenched her jaw, lifted her chin, and began to wheel forward. "I never want to see you again!"

"This is Father talking," said Elphaba desperately, "not you! Nessa, please, just listen to me! I agree, I agree, we didn't always like each other, but you are my sister and — and the closest thing to family I have, you can't — you can't —"

"Oh, I can." Her eyes, rimmed with scarlet, were like steel. "I despise you with every fiber of my being, Elphaba." The green girl had no choice but to step aside as Nessa blazed by, flinging the door open. She paused over the doorframe, looking over her shoulder. Their eyes met. Nessa's gaze was all darkness, and it shook Elphaba to the core. "As far as I'm concerned, you're dead."

Her words hung like a corpse on a noose, staining the air long after the door had closed and the subtle, familiar creaking of her chair had faded away. The tears seemed to have frozen on Elphaba's face. The room spun in a sleepy swirl, pulsating with the beat of her heart in her head.

Her body found her bed by some miracle of instinct and she curled up like a dead spider, smothering her face into the pillow. How was it possible to be numb but also to burn? To feel everything and nothing?

 _I never want to see you again._

An image floated before her. Two girls, one crippled, one green, playing together by a lake. They were laughing. Happy.

The door creaked open. Elphaba knew it had to be Galinda, but she didn't care. Her fingers gripped the sheets.

"Elphie?" she heard Galinda ask softly. "Are you awake?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry it took me so long; I had too many people stopping me in the halls. How are you feeling?"

 _Abomination._

 _Despise._

 _Dead._

She turned herself closer to the wall, masking the remains of her tears.

"Fine."

"Can I get you anything?"

"No."

"Oh, um, all right." Galinda hesitated. "I'll … I'll just let you sleep, then."

Elphaba shut her eyes, wondering if she could force sleep to come.

Choices. Is that really all there was to a person — flesh and bone and decisions? At what point do the lines blur between monster and man?

Is there a line at all?

 _Horror._

Elphaba pulled the blankets to her chin. Breathe in, breathe out. With sleep came death, and with death, came peace. But for only a couple hours.


	18. Disremember

**Hi everyone! Writing this, I felt a lot like Galinda does with her essay in this chapter. At least in my case, this chapter eventually got written. ;) I hope you all are doing wonderfully. Thanks, as always, for reading.**

* * *

 _What does it mean to forget? Is the forgetting of someone, or something, possible? Explain._

Galinda stared at the blank paper, that one word nagging at her.

 _Explain._

Someone walked by, so she lifted her pencil and leaned over her notebook, head cocked to the side like she was deep in thought. The person passed without looking at her. She relaxed immediately.

This essay had been assigned two weeks ago and was now due tomorrow. Galinda had wanted to forget about it and had succeeded, until the night before.

 _Forget._

 _Forget, forget._

She lifted her gaze from the paper and out the library window. She wished she could merely point to circumstances rather than formulate them into an introduction, thesis statement, body, and conclusion, because Shiz was dripping with them.

It had been three months since Elphaba's father had come and left, since Nessa had spat in her sister's face and abandoned her. Nobody spoke openly about it anymore, but Galinda knew that didn't mean forgetting. She could see everyone's memories of the incident come out in little ways — sidelong glances, pointed avoidance, tension. It was so subtle, but Galinda knew it was as real and present as the empty paper taunting her.

It's like everyone wanted to forget, but couldn't.

"That might make a good thesis statement," Galinda murmured.

She felt eyes on her hairline and she glanced over her shoulder. The group at the next table abruptly stopped talking. One offered a limp smile and wave before quickly turning away.

Her stomach twinged and she spun gracefully back to her homework before anyone could see the blush creeping to her cheeks.

She wished everyone could forget, too.

For several weeks after the incident she had wished she'd been there, wished she'd seen what Elphaba had done, wished she could have stopped her. But every wayward stare and whisper made her more and more grateful that she hadn't been.

Before, everyone had seemed so willing to overlook her association with Elphaba in exchange for what Galinda had to offer — her status, her popularity, her money. Galinda didn't necessarily like it, but it was the truth. Yet now — now, were people still as willing?

Did it matter?

Galinda gripped her pencil, turning back to the paper.

Chairs groaned suddenly in protest as their occupants shot upward. Papers rustled frantically, hushed whispers peaked, then grew silent. By the time Galinda spun around to see what was going on, the group at the other table was already rounding the corner, barely holding all of their things.

She took a deep breath.

Elphaba appeared from between the bookshelves, clutching at least four books against her chest while also struggling to keep a very full book bag on her shoulder. "Glin!" she smiled. "There you are." She deposited all her books on the table with a relieved sigh. "How's the essay writing going?"

"Terrible." Galinda tossed her pencil onto the table and brought her manicured nails to her temples. "Absolutely terrible. I feel like I've been at this for hours and I have _nothing_."

Elphaba blew a stray strand out of her eyes as she flopped into a chair, dropping the book bag and massaging her shoulder. "Which essay was this again?"

"The one about forgetting. For Philosophy?" Galinda rolled her eyes. "And, ironically, I had a thesis statement in mind moments ago but I can't seem to remember it now."

Elphaba laughed. "You could even use that as an example if you wanted."

"Sure, because that would look professional." Galinda buried her face in her hands. "Oz, I hate this class. What kind of question is that? _Forgetting_? And how am I supposed to explain it?"

Elphaba lifted her shoulders. "If I told you what I did, that would be cheating, wouldn't it?"

"I suppose." Galinda inhaled, sitting up and running her fingers through her hair.

The two worked in silence for a while — or, rather, Elphaba took up half the table with her books and appeared to be working on three projects at once, while Galinda stared at her paper and scratched a sentence every five minutes and then crossed one out every ten.

 _Forgetting._

 _Forgetting, forgetting, forgetting._

"Elphie?"

Elphaba paused mid page-turn. "Hm?"

"Do you think you could ever forget?" Galinda's eyes flickered from Elphaba's to her own hands to her paper filled with scribbles. "What's happened to you, I mean?"

Elphaba's tongue flicked across her lips briefly. Her hands hovered over her book before she closed it.

"I don't know," she replied quietly. "I honestly don't. I'd like to imagine that as I grow older the details will fade, but — but —" she shook her head. "So far, they're as fresh as the day I, um, experienced them." Her gaze dropped to her fingers, toying with her sleeve, lifting, tugging, tucking the fabric to the point of fraying. "Of course, the scars don't help either." She chuckled miserably. "I almost think I was born to be damaged."

"But also to be smart," Galinda reminded her gently. "To be passionate, to be strong."

Elphaba waved a hand. "Yeah, yeah. But that doesn't change the fact that I can't — can't close my eyes without seeing or feeling or _remembering_. But at least it's not my reality anymore." She sighed. "At least it's gone. All gone, save for what's left in my head."

Galinda bit her lip, allowing a heavy pause to blanket them until she spoke. "Do — do you miss her?"

Elphaba's jaw worked, eyes stared furiously out the window.

"I miss the memories I have of Nessarose," she said. "But I do not miss the person she became." She chuckled darkly. "It's those memories I wish I could forget — I wish I could just love her or just hate her, not both." Her knuckles tapped anxiously against the table, but her face was all inquisitive calm as she turned to Galinda. "What about you? Do you — do you think you could ever forget?"

 _Blood on the countertop, I hate myself I want to be dead, nightmares, pills, I care about you, Elphie._

"No," she whispered. "No, I don't think I could." She hesitated. "But I'm also not sure if I'd want to."

 _But I wish everyone else would forget._

She inhaled shakily, hoping the air would settle her chest.

Elphaba's shoulders slowly began to scrunch upward in discomfort, guilt seeping from every green pore. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. "It's my fault."

Galinda frowned. "What is?"

"That you have so much you can't forget. If you didn't know me — if you didn't know me —"

"If I didn't know you, I don't know what I would do," Galinda said firmly. Her chest squirmed again. She ignored it. "You may have brought a lot of chaos into my life, Elphie, but it was worth it. Okay? It was worth it."

Elphaba looked at her for a moment from behind her shoulders before she broke into a small smile. Shyness rarely graced her face, but it made her look almost childish, and it never ceased to make Galinda grin. "Listen, I'm truly grateful for you," Elphaba said softly. "I really am. I don't know what I would do without you." She turned away, but Galinda didn't need to see her uncomfortable blush, her allergic reaction to vulnerability, to know it was there and rampant. "But anyway. Um. I —"

"Hey." Galinda reached across the table and squeezed her shoulder. "I don't know what I'd do without you, either."

Elphaba glanced at her and offered a smile in response before taking a breath and turning back to her books. "Did you know that the _Ozmopolitan_ reports that the Animal population has decreased by forty-five percent just in the last six months?"

Galinda chuckled a little, leaning back in her chair. "No, I didn't."

Elphaba pulled her braid over her shoulder, twisting at the ends. "I figured, but that's a large number. They naturally aren't accounting for the Animals in hiding, either — I'm certain there has to be an underground of some sort, somewhere — but still, isn't that disconcerting? And I just can't help but feel like no one's doing a single thing about it."

"Perhaps that's where you come in," mused Galinda. "If anyone could do anything about this, you could."

Elphaba sighed. "Yes," she said sardonically. "The green girl and the Animals. What a great fit." She looked at Galinda's paper. "I'm assuming you got nothing done?"

"Do you even need to ask?" Galinda shook her head and tossed her hair over her shoulder. "Whatever. I'll finish it tonight. I think I just need to clear my head."

"Agreed." Elphaba began the hefty task of cleaning up. "Do you want to walk with me?"

She opened her mouth to agree, but no words came. Her eyes were drawn to the window, to students buzzing between classes, to all those eyes and mouths, all of the conduits for the whispers and rumors. Shame filled her body but it didn't stop her from speaking, ever so gracefully, ever so diplomatically. "No, I think I'm going to head straight back to the dorm. Take a nap, maybe. That would probably help."

"Of course." Elphaba shoved the remaining books in her bag and slung it over her shoulder with some difficulty. "Honestly, sometimes sleep is the best remedy for writer's block. There was a passage in our Psychology textbook about it, actually, or something similar! I'm not sure if you remember, but …"

Galinda let Elphaba prattle on as they made for the stairs and the door. It didn't take long for Galinda to tune Elphaba out; her heart seemed to be beating too loud for her to hear anything else.

Was it wrong to feel every stare, for discomfort to rise to her collarbone at the very thought of the gossip about her, for her to want, more than anything else in the world, all of this to go away?

"… and sleep, overall, is just an amazing tool that few people take full advantage of. But, I suppose, that's just the —"

"Miss Thropp?"

The two girls stopped walking. Elphaba twitched at the name.

"Professor," she nodded, turning towards the tall man approaching them. He taught all the Literature classes, and his oversized glasses made him appear bug-like and as awkward as he actually was.

"Madame Morrible wanted me to deliver this to you." He held a small, brown package stiffly out in her direction. "She said that you, ah, never checked your mail, so it was best to be delivered this way."

Elphaba's eyebrows curled in confusion, but she took it from him anyway. "Thank you."

"She also would like you to report back to her with your response as soon as possible," he said quickly. "Um — have, er, have a great day, ladies."

Galinda chuckled as he walked briskly away. "Poor guy. He's always had trouble around women."

"Or maybe it's me." Elphaba smirked as she held up the package — if it could even be called that. It was incredibly small and looked to be impossibly light.

"What do you think it is?" Galinda wondered.

"I don't know, but since it's from Morrible, it's bound to be interesting," Elphaba said. "Let's find someplace quiet to open it."

"We're in a library, everywhere's quiet."

Elphaba huffed. "Oh, you know what I mean. Come on."

It didn't take long to find an abandoned corner. Carefully, Elphaba tore the edge of the package open and withdrew a large, emerald envelope.

Galinda's breath caught. It was a vivid green, the same color as Elphaba's skin, only brighter and glossier. The gold lining twinkled in the light. Elphaba held it in an almost confused, stunned awe. It took her several moments of shock before she flipped it over, her fingers beginning to tremble. Galinda gasped audibly.

There, in a beautiful blend of green and gold, gleaming proudly from the center of the thick wax, was an unmistakably elaborate _W_.


	19. Silenced

There were few things Elphaba was sure of in that moment — one, that Galinda was saying something (she almost always was); two, that the envelope matched her skin perfectly; and three, that her heart was going to leap out of her throat and spatter the seal, masking the W in a web of blood and hope and disbelief.

"… can't mistake the jagged edges of the W, it's on every tower, statue, poster in Oz, it seems, and —"

Elphaba's thumb traced the wax. She wondered if the Wizard had done the same thing. _The Wizard_.

"Elphie!" Galinda cried, gripping her arm suddenly and jolting her eyes upward, "Elphie, for the love of Oz, open it! I'm dying from suspense!"

The seal mumbled a satisfying _trrr_ as she gently pried the envelope open and slid out an immaculately folded letter, the paper thick, crisp, and far too formal for her fumbling fingers. She couldn't breathe.

 _Miss Elphaba Thropp,_

 _It is upon_

"Elphaba, read the Oz-forsaken thing aloud or I will wrench it from you and read it myself!"

Elphaba cleared her throat.

 _Miss Elphaba Thropp,_

 _It is upon great recommendation from your Headmistress of Shiz University, Madame Morrible, that I personally write to you, inviting you to an audience with me on the seventeenth of May this year._ ("OH MY OZ!" Galinda shrieked. "Hush!" Elphaba demanded.) _I have been told of your magical prowess and your ambitions, and I look forward to having the privilege of discussing your future with you further._

The girls stared in shock at the paper, at the looping curls of his signature. Galinda was the first to shake loose.

"Elphaba!" she cried. "The Wizard — the Wizard _himself_ — he wants to meet you!"

"He wants to meet me," Elphaba whispered. A grin was creeping over her face. "He wants to meet me!"

"More than that," Galinda continued, wonderstruck by every word she said, "he wants to discuss your future! Elphie! You haven't even graduated and you could have a job with the Wizard!"

Elphaba's mind whirred. Like she was lucid dreaming, she could see it all before her — the Wizard, old, stern-looking, but kind and strong, his eyes widening in awe as she performed spells no one had done before; the Wizard, leaping from his throne in joy, offering her a job on the spot; the Wizard, with her by his side, eradicating Animal cruelty once and for all —

"I can do something," she murmured, her rampant thoughts losing room in her head and spilling out of her mouth. "I can finally accomplish something, I can make good, I can _do_ something!" She tossed the envelope onto the table and began to pace, her arms flapping excitedly, giving her the appearance of an oversized bird. "This is the perfect opportunity for me. I haven't had a voice till now, I haven't been able to _be_ anything except that green girl, that freak, that suicidal, violent, disturbed loner — but I'll show them." She grinned, eyes glowing at Galinda. "I'll show all of them — my father, Nessa, these Shiz idiots. When I'm by the Wizard's side, they — they —" Her smile widened and arms stretched further. "And the Animals!" She slowly circled the table, practically bouncing on her toes each time she paused. "I can be their voice, their representative! I'll have the platform, I can help them, I can save them! Glin, I can save them all!"

While Elphaba had been lost in her elaborate scheme of grandeur, Galinda's expression had melted from one of joy into one of divided uncertainty. She lifted the corners of her mouth immediately upon hearing her name, but Elphaba had spun around too quickly not to notice.

"Galinda?" Her face drooped slightly. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing!" Galinda's smile brightened. "I'm sorry, I was just lost in thought. This is so exciting."

Elphaba glared at her until the smile retreated, Galinda's lips twisting in guilt and she immediately looked away. "I'm sorry," she sputtered, "it's silly, really —"

"What?" Elphaba's eyebrows came together.

"It's just — I love seeing you happy, don't get me wrong. I do. Seeing you this happy makes _me_ overjoyed, but I — well, what if —" Galinda took a deep breath and hesitated.

"Glin —"

"What if you don't come back?" Clearly, Galinda had meant to phrase that differently, for she immediately turned crimson. "I mean, you could get a job with the Wizard, which is wonderful, but what if — what if I never see you again?"

Elphaba blinked, rendered momentarily speechless by that question. Galinda took that as permission to ramble on, trying frantically to wrap up her fumbled words into something pretty.

"This is an amazing opportunity and I can't wait to see you — to see — to see you _soar_ , Elphie. Really." She paused for a fraction of a second, just long enough for her tongue to dart nervously out and glaze her lips. "You deserve this more than anyone, but what if you get swept away? Lost in — in everything the Wizard offers you? If you lose yourself in it — if I lose — well — what I mean to say —"

"Stop." Elphaba's hands came to rest on the back of a chair. She leaned forward onto it, ducking her head to try and catch Galinda's downcast eye. "You're getting ahead of yourself, Glin. I haven't committed to anything yet. Who knows," she teased, "I could get there and he's really just a stuck-up jerk." She chuckled and shrugged. "And as for losing myself, I've come to the realization that my passions are who I am. I can't hide it, I can't escape it. The Animals are a key component to my existence. I cannot lose myself if I'm surrounded by what makes up my identity."

Galinda slowly sank into the chair beside her, fidgeting with the hems of her sleeves. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm allowing my — insecurities to steal your joy. It's rude and inappropriate of me and —"

"Well, yes, I suppose it is," interrupted Elphaba, "but luckily for you, I don't care. I'm not like Shen or Pfannee, Glin, where you need to apologize for every minor social mishap you make. Please."

Galinda closed her eyes briefly. A calm silence rippled between them as Elphaba returned to her letter and Galinda to her thoughts.

"Two weeks."

Elphaba looked up from where she had been examining the glossy stamp. "What?"

"The seventeenth of May. That's in two weeks." Galinda lifted her gaze from her lap to meet Elphaba's, her expression clear of everything except businesslike gentleness and the shadow of a growing smile. "You'll need a new outfit."

Elphaba's eyebrow arched like a steeple. "A whole new outfit? For one audience with the Wizard? I think not."

"What, are you going to meet him in that?"

Elphaba glanced down at her faded black pants, scuffed boots, and snagged gray cardigan.

"Well, not in this," she said indignantly. "In one of my nicer ensembles."

"Which are …"

Elphaba glared at her. Galinda smiled sweetly in return.

"Exactly. I get to take you shopping in preparation. Deal?"

Elphaba huffed, suddenly extremely fascinated with the envelope, tilting it sideways to peer at the bottom edge. "Well, it's not exactly a deal if it's one-sided in such a —" she paused, surprised, and she and Galinda both watched as another piece of paper fluttered out of the envelope and nosedived gracefully to the floor.

"That's odd," remarked Galinda. "It doesn't look nearly as official."

Elphaba bent to retrieve it. Unlike the thick, glossy golds and greens of the Wizard's letter, this paper was reedy, small, and a stale shade of brown. Hastily, she unfolded it and her eyebrows shot up again.

"What?" Galinda demanded.

Elphaba silently began to read, and a fresh smile appeared.

"Elphaba Thropp, would you _stop_ keeping me in suspense —"

"Oh, it's nothing," Elphaba replied nonchalantly, folding it again. "Just a little note from Madame Morrible, nothing to pay much attention to."

Now it was Galinda's turn to glare. Elphaba grinned. Tucking the note in her pocket, she reached into the envelope and pulled out train tickets. Two of them.

"She took the liberty of purchasing a ticket for you as well," Elphaba said, her smile widening. "She, apparently, believes that your presence and talents would be beneficial to me. And she's not wrong."

Galinda stared, wide-eyed, at the tickets. More specifically, at her name, embossed in golden finery. _Galinda Upland —_ _Shiz to Emerald City._

"The Emerald City," she whispered.

Elphaba reached forward, gently grasping Galinda's shoulders. The tickets slid against her arm.

"Will you come with me?" Elphaba asked softly. Her eyes were glowing, but no longer with the passion she reserved for the Animals — instead of a wildfire, they were candles, flickering hopefully. "You've done so much. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here, Glin. In complete honesty, you are the reason I am alive, and the reason I'm able to do this. The reason I can accomplish something." She pulled away, holding up the tickets, her face dropping the slightest bit. "Please?"

Galinda blinked sluggishly, like she was waking from a dream. Her face slowly lit from the inside out into a brilliant smile that made her whole face glow in beautiful radiance. "I can come with you?" she breathed.

Elphaba laughed, a warm sound that echoed around the otherwise silent library. "Have you not listened to a single word I said? Yes! Yes, you can come with me!"

Galinda snatched the tickets out of her hand and gawked at them. "The Emerald City — to meet the — the — oh my Oz, _I'm_ going to have to get a whole different wardrobe —"

Elphaba rolled her eyes, but couldn't keep the girlish grin off of her face. She was going to meet the Wizard. _They_ were going to meet the Wizard.

* * *

Elphaba didn't want to forget anything. Nerves and awe set her senses on high alert, her brain running at maximum capacity. Galinda was able to fall asleep after two hours of the train trip and had been in a deep sleep since; it took Elphaba reading the same chapter over three times until she succumbed to the pull of distraction, resigning herself to staring out the window and absorbing everything, everything, _everything_.

The musty smell of well-worn leather. Galinda's faint, floral perfume. The soft curl of tea steam, untouched on the tray in front of her. The barely apparent whining of metal on metal, wheels on rusty tracks. The blur of grass and hills and sky whizzing by, delivering her farther and farther from the life she knew and into the life she wanted.

Gently, she placed her hand onto the window. It was cold against her emerald skin, blending effortlessly into the passing earth. She let her fingers fall, tracing lazy patterns through the dust on the windowpane as they went, landing in her lap, where she knotted them together laboriously.

No matter how hard she tried, no matter how forcefully she thought, she couldn't fully understand what was happening to her, and she knew it. She was going to see the Wizard. Her whole life was going to change in roughly two hours — one hour — forty five minutes — twenty — fifteen. This she knew. But she couldn't see — couldn't comprehend — just _how_ much her life would change. That feeling, that understanding, was so close. She knew her life would change. She could even guess how it would change. But she didn't know exactly how, and it was messing with her brain more than anything else.

The metallic groaning of the train began to pound in her veins, pressing hot against her skin, turning copper in her mouth. Fifteen minutes. _Fifteen minutes._

What if this was a mistake?

Something ominous bubbled in her throat.

What if this was all just a mistake? What if the Wizard thought she was someone else, someone better, someone stronger, someone more powerful, someone _more_?

The cracked leather of the seat squeaked under her suddenly slick fingertips.

Had she been foolish? Coming here, doing this?

Morrible believed in her. Galinda believed in her.

But would the Wizard?

The floodgates of her mind opened. Just a crack. But a trickle began to leak out, picking up steam, dripping steadily on her consciousness. Images began to flow, twirling in the tea, glistening in the glass on the window — she enters his throne room, hands twisting; he looks at her and smiles, but not in the friendly, hospitable I-hope-you're-comfortable-here kind of way, but in a condescending, snake-like, oddly familiar manner; he beckons her over, Morrible and Galinda looking on, watching, waiting; she tries to do what he asks, but she can't, she can't, _I can't_ —

Her breath caught.

 _You can't do this._

She yanked her gaze to the window, but instead of skies and clouds, all she could see was herself.

 _Did you honestly think you were capable of this? Did you honestly think the little green girl with an uncontrollable temper would somehow be appealing to him?_

She could feel the subconscious laughter percolating under her scalp.

 _You're a fool._

The floodgates burst open. All the feelings she'd almost forgotten came pouring back, filling her lungs, her throat. Too much. Too much at once.

She was drowning.

Galinda shifted in her sleep, sliding down the seat until her feet almost upended the tea tray. Elphaba reached for the tea instinctively, but her hands had taken to shaking so suddenly that she couldn't tell whether it had been Galinda who had spilled the tea or her sweaty fingers.

 _You think just because some insignificant, dull-minded blonde girl decided you were a convenient friend means that the Wizard, the ruler of Oz, would want you? You think that because the head of a university wrote a nice recommendation letter means that the Wizard would want to train you? To have you by his side?_

She sat back, trembling, in her seat. Galinda's head lolled against her shoulder. Her chest wrung itself out like a wet rag.

"No," she croaked, "not again, I'm not doing this again — I —"

 _You'll always be doing this. You will never be rid of us. We are who you are. And that hasn't changed, and never will change._

Like a phantom sensation, her scars began to sting. A call.

Her fingers gravitated towards them, nails extended, scratching the itch that refused to go away. The itch of the mind.

Breathe. She forced herself to breathe.

 _You don't control me,_ she thought. _You exist in me but you are not me. You are not truth, you are not real, you are not welcome, you are not who I am._

She exhaled. Her hand closed around her wrist. Around her scars.

The voices quieted, stunned, for a moment.

Only a moment.

 _Then who are you? You're pretending to be someone you're not! You think you're powerful now? You think because you faced your father, you're somehow strong? No. You're weak. You failed to kill him, you failed to remove his stain from your life, you've failed at everything you've tried, what is to say this meeting with the Wizard will be any different?_

Her eyes squeezed shut. A hissing filled her mind, filled the compartment, rattled the tray. Was it the train?

 _Your life is a waste. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise; you will always be worthless. You will always be ours. We. Are. A part of you._

"No!" The word left her mouth, a bullet from a gun. Her chest was fire. "You are not a part of me! Not anymore!" Her hand shook, wobbling like a bird in a storm. It landed gently on Galinda's cheek, a thumb sliding beneath a golden curl. "She is a part of me! This —" she yanked the letter from her pocket, shaking it at the air, "this is a part of me! The Animals, their struggles, their need — they are a part of me! You — will — _not_ — destroy me again!"

The rage. In a way, more palpable, more bloody, than anything she had ever done to her father.

Her head surfaced above the water.

 _You should've died a long time ago, you don't deserve to be here, you're useless, you_ —

"I — am — valuable!" Her voice rose, shaking, as she gripped the windowsill and spat at her reflection. "I am important, my —" she choked, but didn't stop, "my life has a purpose. I will make good in ways that I never knew, that I never imagined, and I will _never_ listen to you again!"

The pressure on her shoulder stirred and lifted. "Elphie?" Galinda murmured, still half-asleep. "Why are you moving so much? Are we here? Did you spill the tea?"

Elphaba waited, staring at her eyes in the window, daring _them_ to reply. Daring them to tell her she wasn't good enough, to say one more time that she should die.

She fingered the scars, tracing the ridges with her nails.

Silence.

She stepped onto shore.

"Elphie? Are you okay?"

Elphaba turned to look at her.

"Yes," she said, slowly, hesitantly. A smile blossomed out of uncertainty into confidence. "Yes, I think I am."

Galinda returned the smile, running a hand through her hair. "Good. I may have been dreaming, but I thought I heard you — well, were you talking to someone?"

Elphaba paused.

"No, you must have been dreaming. There's nobody there."

Galinda shrugged. "Okay! Well, I —" she paused, eyes widening as she stared out the window. Elphaba turned and inhaled.

Poking over the horizon, bludgeoning the sky.

Spires of emerald, turrets of green, rising proudly from the ground and glowing at all who dared pass below it.

"We're here," Galinda murmured in awe.

Elphaba slid her green hand in Galinda's pale one.

Perhaps it was the tremor that still remained, or the clamminess of one who just brushed with death, but Galinda understood everything Elphaba was incapable of saying.

"You can do this," she whispered.

Elphaba nodded, taking in the city with hungry eyes. "Yes," she breathed. "Yes, I can."

* * *

 **All that's left to say now, I suppose, is thank you.**

 **Thank you all for following this story for two years to its end. Thank you to those who waited a really long time (and I mean, a really long time) in between chapters and stuck with this story from the beginning. Your reviews have made me so happy. This was my first foray into the fanfiction world, and you all have encouraged me so much.**

 **I leave for college in about a week now, so I will most likely not be creating much work on this site. I leave you with this story in the hopes that you will be inspired to defeat your own voices. It is possible, and you are so unbelievably, remarkably, miraculously important. Don't forget that.**

 **Much love to you all.**

 **"Anyone who is among the living has hope." — Ecclesiastes 9:4**

 **"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." — Psalms 62:5**


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